This lead me to chose between the two reasons causing all these to occur. the 1st being me trying to avoid the reality and second it was never my pure love. perhaps i liked solving two or three problems in physics and felt mesmerized after reading "a brief history of time" took me to a very wrong illusion and still now. yes i loved solving mathematics riddles , imagining physics , thinking string theory and its consequences but then why didnt i continue this further and why am i still unwilling to continue with this.
so basically presently i am without my love and this seems true when after having loads of fun , hanging around with my friends for the whole day and just when i get to bed , its start paining me from no where. i start feeling restless ,unsatisfied with myself , and many more such pessimistic thoughts. the reason being i had always grown up always thinking and dreaming extra big and now when i know that i am not even close to average because i m still lying deep inside the unknown , unseen depth of this unwanted reality.
And all these converging on to the same point instability. unfortunately i have to end this without any proper solution it because i dont have it this time not even a consolation for me.
Yyou have got to find what you love.................