Sunday, December 18, 2011

My affairs with winter

 well this winter is making me respond like never before , after almost 3 years of gap I am feeling the change , the change in surrounding temperature . I was pretty used to so even weather in these 2years now the winter is causing a great hurdle for me at the same time enjoying like never before , the beauty of nature . Sleeping  sleeping and sleeping up to even 16 hrs someday .. Feeling  as if I am rusted   , legs frozen , ears shrunk lying all day inside the blanket sometimes even immersing my whole body into this 7*7 feet square blanket along with my dell laptop and then with all comfort logging  into my facebook account.   I know that these are only  few days I am going to spend with winter  .
winter has got one more beauty hidden into it "the silence". You don’t really have to try for it , I just let my media player closed , doors closed air tight , windows open waiting till 11 30 pm and there's the winter's greatest offerings to me , you and all. If you are not going through  any tough phase ( I passed my 3rd semester ) then you may even realize momentary serenity . Besides these  everything seems to be rediscovering its beauty and help finding mine and realize again I am nothing in front of the divine nature and yet  seeking motivation from this winter I can be so much more .So its not just the season it’s the blessing in disguise. I love it , respect it cherish it and if luck persists i will make it count as well.  So I am making it large are you also ?.....

Friday, December 16, 2011

So many roads still they see just a narrow line

Its what I concluded when tried conversing with the previous generation . Many times these conversation got sublimated into violent arguments which has only one way to end , "ashish stop the nonsense and get lost".
What I concluded from these so many incidences our parents missed the technologies so desperately. Though they might have never felt that just like an ant living inside a hole has all its world confined to hole only can never know what other insect may think and do and live. (some may ask why don’t I blame these ant , my logic is they don’t interfere into another  world , they live only what they know so let them)  .

Term "technology"  , I am trying to use just as a example which is one out of infinitely many to make my point clearer. Technology gave us internet , mobile phones , television , radio and so many sources of  raw information. And now we being humans used are intellect and ethics to mould this raw information into valuable and some to not so valuable knowledge.  Atleast when I was In class 8th I knew so many things going around like riots due to religion , caste , love marriage , arrange marriage , Einstein and lalu prasad yadav . By the time I was in 12th I became wiser ( with respect to myself ofcourse) and I came to know  so many things going around the world right from the hub of brothels to hub of makka , Vivekananda to Osama bin laden , higher studies in us to world's favorite destinations, sex ,addictions , lust , politics and many. By the time I became a 2nd year undergraduate student I could now chose what I want to do from any among the above and yet continue my grasp of raw information.
And when I think about parents and many elderly teachers even ,   I see them marching  ahead in a very narrow confined tunnel consisting of engineering , marks , pointer , arrange marriage , same caste utmost important , earn money , money and so many diverse things . And If my domain object these then  I have to be the victim of their words , actions and and end ruining my life unless I am another einstein or dhiru ambani.  And the reason being when I  , in my childhood was playing vedio games , watching tv they were stuck to their books , family , food , and superstitions while  girls especially  to god , god or god. So they have to be ignorant.  And what they argue with their "sole tool experience"
."child you inexperience , you have not seen the world so keep shut" :( ...

I have always believed that you are not great if you are doing correct things without knowing the wrong one unless you are aware of the both and decide by your consciousness and do correct. And it’s the case with majority of middle class indian parents and and it increases by manifolds if you go to rural india.

So basically these gen-previous are already ripen so we cant expect them to change other then be rotten. What good is gen-next has got the hope for bringing the change to our country. And knowing that everything has its own positive and negative and we have to choose which has got positive on its majority side.
Lets hope for the best.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

2 faces of a coin

Every time around my intuition or to say my subconscious keeps giving me hint or a better way to say would be a  satisfactory  explanation of so many things happening around. This time guess what 1 rupee coin has inspired me to give a deeper thought to it. I know a lot of time this pair of faces of coin has got its name in books , speeches , poetry , memoirs and many  others for comparisions. May be at the end u will find I am just adding one more to this list and may be not (like me and XYZ)

 as I see me I see two ashish . As I see my some of my closest friends and with the proper spectrometer fit into my  eyes I see two individuals . As I see my brother , sister and let them pass through prism I see them splitting into two. And mostly these two faces are complementary just like you cant have a coin with two heads or 2 tails. You need to have both to make it a coin. One face which has its origin right from its birth , it’s the most natural and purest while the  other face is continuously evolving to make him a more developed person. The other face is being developed to win the race , to reach the mountain , to face the world.Ofcourse sometimes just like the electromagnetic rays spectra one face is dominant while other being less.

 The best would be to consider a person named "XYZ" and take his example in detail. And its not at all fictitious.
He had always been the most careless , free , no meaning whatsoever to his surrounding , no news of the world , he is into his own world always enjoying , laughing , smiling and  though not expressing love the closest to him know he loves also as he smiles. He is the laziest , sometimes even cry when alone , aims too big and wishes to do everything he is attracted to without any inch of shame and more.

But as grows he sees the world , observes the people around and gradually he comes to know few things about  life and its  goals and people here are not so simple. There are lots twists and turns . Everything spiral and curved . And in the process he starts thinking and acquiring all those traits which he has not . And since these are acquired he rarely gains perfection over these. And soon XYZ becomes more careful , a little shy of people , a little conscious of what others may think or say , loses his laziness to some extent as he knows the significance of swiftness .and hence he ends up escaping so many crimes and even great works. And to the world it seems as XYZ has become more matured and responsible. 
But to the core of himself XYZ knows he is still the happiest and at peace when he is at its natural state and that’s why whenever coin is tossed he chooses one either head or tail according to his natural state.

Friday, December 9, 2011

Experience doesn’t guarantee maturity

If really the quantity of experience could unlock the doors of maturity then what could happen. Lets try conceiving its consequences.
I would always have put an end to any argument related to my carelessness , even studies just by reminding my opposition that let time come and my experience increase , I will definitely overcome these. A 25 year old Nobel laureate would not have been so.   Intelligence might not have got its worth. Speed would have lost its charm. Young talents would have rare meanings. And so many waiting on the list.
Fortunately  the title of this post is correct and we don’t have to live with all the above consequences which seem to contradict almost all the possible day to day common thoughts.  And those which don’t come within that "almost" is the reason behind my writing this post.
My grandparents , parents and many guardians still  using their loud roar of their long experience to shut my mouth in every argument that arises thinking  they are always  correct just because they are double or triple of our age.  Consequently still our sister fear come out of their prolonged meaningless boundaries set by our ancestor. We are still forced to become blind to any different  career other then mba , , medicals and few others(of  course we have got exceptions infact these days atleast the new upcoming generation is becoming resistant to these superstitions) , still in many families meaningless tensions , calamities keep occurring , a man who was born to be next Einstein ends up being super intelligent bargainer while shopping roaming around his wife , a girl who was meant to be next aurundhiti roy ends being the pride of a "thakur family"(what pride let their family member understand only) and you all can think of many , I guess...
What my question is what's  the point of gaining experiences in heaps and bound just by consuming kilos of rice if you don’t mind looking back at you and not able to learn from those experiences to deliver a change to long rusted thoughts of yourself. And that’s the point which I wanted to make simply gaining experience don’t guarantee maturity because maturity demands extra effort and it doesn’t come for free. We have to be learning every moment to become mature and be able to exploit the fullest of our experiences.
Fortunately gen next that is our generation seem to be more smart in this case and that’s the hope for upcoming healthy society. Lets open our eyes and show our elders and many more that maturity counts and not the experience. They will believe only when they will see the result and results we have to conceive for then only we will be released of the captive thoughts and actions of our parents and elders. ( well this is for many like me and I know for many this is is not the case) 

Courtesy ( as the following topic has been taken from  this page.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Difference - a different take on this

Religious people say everything is made out of god , physicist say everything  has come out of pure energy and like that different diverse of people have different take on this. And for a common man like me it these all always seem a mile ahead of our thinking ability.
What I wonder is upon is on the word "difference"  . It’s the magnitude of this word that makes all the above theory correct or wrong. A minor difference leading to major difference. A small habit becoming a character. A small set of protons creating altogether a different universe. A second passed away makes the present a past and future to present.  A small different view resulting in so many groups , casts , state and country.
So what is worth noticing  down the line is , everything , every thought , everyone , every moment , every community , every religion are trying to stabilize their position but the margin is small. The all are hanging on along limiting radius of different difference. All trying to claim their concentric radii . And ignorantly ignoring the truth that , the centre is all same. Whatever distance we go we all are bound  to be the part of the same centre. And as we go more far from the centre and fix are orbit  we are more bound to see more and more differences  around ourselves.
And the result is the divided world , country , state , family , people  , religion. We all tend to associate ourselves with different differences. So lets try opening our eyes and if not the centre we can be part of more then one concentric circles..

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Rain - the temporary connection to .....

today i happened to go for a walk after a long gap but the love of rain caught me again....and all i could do was to sit on the floor of the corridor see its raining sometimes heavily and  sometimes "haule haule "
 and i suddenly started typing some words on cell in the "notes" ......

sitting on the floor of the corridor
in front of its raining vigour
thoughts still like trees
started walking (fortunately had umbrella)
drops of imagination trying to fall upon the skull
but the umbrella had the resistance to offer
drops of water destroying apart
but with the satisfaction its life proved worth
grasses , leaves air rediscovering its lost elegance
even the artificial cemented road
humbly thanks the rain
finally weights to bear has fall
she got the courage to dance
to defy her worldly  , shyness ,fears
 spread her arms and accept the warmth
soul has got its transparency back
because its raining because its raining

suddenly the rain stopped
, umbrella folded down and imagination
yes imagination of tomorrow's lab again overshadowed my mind
and made me realize
soul is still deep inside the  abyss.
( guys seriously its not the attempt to write a poem i know i am too bad at it..............)

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

A New World - Ego is the Ruler, Our Sensations are the follower where innocence and love are only in movies

One of my friend celebrated his birthday few days before  had a little late party till 5 am . He gave a surprise party the same night surprising everyone with 15 bottles of bear , 20 packets  cigarettes and freshly prepared "charas  and gaanja dunno exactly "  .They were full on with beer , wine and the non -stop smoking while some even went a step ahead and tried "charas" some tried 1st time . I got to know all this when suddenly a quarrel broke out and loud abusive words woke me up . And this time victim had no right to offend himself because he was beaten up when he was drunk . Which in a college no big case to filed case against.
I once happened to ask one of my colleague what's the pleasure he discovers when he is in the famous state of "going hangover" and  " its ultimate ashish , you lose yourself , you lose your pain , weight and everything you feel is simply ultimate" which I really found so so funny. And when I was in the process of giving a second thought to this wine or beer  I reminded my happiest moments and soon I recollected lots of those and some of them was few hours ago only . And to my surprise I found most of the reasons were simply and nothing and to maximum to the joy of drinking bournvita when I used to offend milk. And there was no wine to the far extent. And what struck to me was if I am already finding so many happy moments when I am conscious then why trying to dig joy even in subconscious state. 
( really sorry for misguiding from the topic but that’s I am , sometime I even don’t know where I am leading and still its not wine affect)
And then I realized something "we always try to fill our empty spaces and materials simply add to our empty spaces " . So what I found after asking so many of my friends actually they started drinking or smoking or any such activities because some other did it. And when they started it was liked by their physical sensation and soon it got stuck to their ego from then its simply ego ruling and sensation following. I am still not offending drinking or sort of but simply drinking to lose sensation and feel the ultimate seems so fake. Its simply cheating ourselves and losing our true-self called innocence. And slowly these habits become ego-balloons making them almost resistant to everything.

This is just one example , likewise there are so so many cases where we are simply trying to do everything or anything which only few do or which gives us fame or so many. And hence igniting so many negative traits  like jealousy , fake to ourselves , negative , egoistic , untrustworthy , losing love , emotionless and lot of those. Amid these all we lose ourselves. We rarely talk to ourselves and try to understand the real need real matter lying inside us.
And I know all those who are in this new world including me will rarely grasp it as I know every word of it will shoot their ego-balloon.
End on this note
Hope that day comes when we do everything we love and love with purest of our innocence. That wont be the state of nirvana but it will be drinking yet loving , trendy yet respecting , competitive   yet no jealousy.

Sunday, October 23, 2011


I DIDN’T KNOW TILL  FEW HOURS AGO ABOUT , HAD NEVER HEARD ABOUT AND OFCOURSE NEVER SAW YOU.  But in a blink of the moment she has forced me to think upon it not only her but about me , my life and many more.  Of course while I am writing this because I heard some unheard urgency being cited by my intuition and I love to be tamed by  my intuition. 

Tejaswee Rao 19 jan 1991 to 11 aug 2010.          

As I was going through my usual surfing of blogs I came across Tejaswee's mother's  blog ( and from their I managed to land on tejaswee's blog (last post being on 29th july) .     
And just by reading blogs I know many will offend saying " isnt it too early to get inspired"  . My answer will be intuition believes in nanoseconds .
 And the very 1st post ( of her was remarkable revealing all her innocence , truthfulness , rare one of her age to show eagerness awareness towards poor  and vey confident at adopting a daughter will surely make your eyes wet once. And when you do a extra search by seeing the comments by her close ones and her impact on them you will get know what "gold" we have lost. Her charming beautiful face through the instant photographs taken aptly depicts her innocence. And seriously I have rarely came across innocence faces means the moment you see them you feel the brightness in them . And these innocence faces are mostly behind some of the hugest achievement of the mankind.  And seriously she was so loving and lovable as well. 
Hereby I am proud to be going through her blogs and seriously some part of myself( atleast of this moment) must  not be complete without this.  You have inspired me for this moment and my moment makes my life. Thank you
Rest in peace "TEJASWEE RAO"

this had to influence me "atleast to write a post on it"..........

Well my parent  had combined family living in village called mehda sahpur.. My grandfather and his 3 sons and 3 daughter while his brother’s 5 sons and his step brother having 2 sons constituted the family. And now since my father’s birth after 46 years everything has changed and changed so drastically. My  uncle is the 1st doctor from my village and university gold medalist and now a millionaire, my father 1st engineer followed by my younger uncle. While the rest three sisters of my father though not the most intelligent got settled in well lived family. Thanks to the prevailing of dowry system yet.
While to the contrary  sons of mygranpa’s younger brother still struggling , just surviving and even sometimes starving.
3 of them are working under my uncle as workers , the other one had once opened a dress shop but it had to be closed and now he does simply nothing nothing while 1 is still roaming day and night here and there on the little left money of his father to earn money.
Talking about the 1st son of step brother of my grandfather , he has just got married. He is so laborious hardworking , all  day for about 10 hours he teaches at a stretch even on Sunday and still just manage to earn just 3000rs. And his bro

ther has recently left studying and has been undergoing serious mental problems.
the pic above was taken december 2010 , he is my  step uncle( only literally , he is truly like my elder and I have the most respect for  him and I am missing him so much ki I thought write a post now) . His name sanjay pathak and just completed graduation  in village called mehda sahpur.  Whenever I used to go to village to meet him to his house ( their house was made separate and rarely they interact with other grandfathers and all)  he would come to me and ask me ” ashish humko bhi thora english bata dona , kuch bata doge tab na school mein jaake kuch padha bhi sakenge “. And I always used tell whatever little know. I would tell him ” chacha aapko agar acha tution chalana hai to spoken english per dhyaan dijiye , apna pronunciation improve kariye aapko bahut tarakki milega and yahan ke bachho ko bhi ” and I remember last time (this november) when I met him I told him you need to listen to english news or for a beginner as you are  , you should have somebody to teach basic pronunciations  I told why not you call me daily for  half an hour( ofcourse I have to call he cant afford this) and I shall tell you the basics and in few months or you will be master but then at that  time he didn’t have even a cell . And latest story what I heard about him was that he got married to unknown.
Well its so strange na these three groups lived in the same home , same family but now in three words. Sometimes when I see myself and my uncle so spending so much on us it feels so much ashamed off. Well sanjay chacha and hhis brother dhananjay chacha are my uncle’s and father’s brother only but still
They only have sympathy for them and sometimes not even that.
When you will see sanjay chacha’s mother so beautifully cooking for his sons each morning with whatever dry cereals she have , it will surely make your eyes wet . When you will see his father coming after months from working as gatekeeper in nearby city for greeting their sons deepawali and having nothing for their children other then tight tearful hug. And when you see your parents and uncle  coming on swift and scorpio on you surely believe the 3 worlds I am talking about.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Why we always fail to convert our words , thoughts to reality

 I guess there are around thousands of blogs , millions of books , articles , media being written on so many social , economical , educational , ethical issues and so are the billions of readers going through all these write ups. Why we fail to realize the significance of "be in the moment" and just remain in those beautiful , inspiring peace of write ups  only till writing or reading it. It’s the case with everyone ( most of the people I mean) everywhere , everytime. Suddenly we take anna hazare to the peak in the next moment world cup comes and dhoni regains the peak then again we all sympathies with hundreds dying in bomb blast and then again get busy with our favorite movies then again raise our voice against corruption and  then trying to aquire inspiration from late Steve jobs and  so on flowing tirelessly with  this winds of news.

I was watching star news last Sunday when I came across a really violent and agitated  man shouting like a true patriotic leader and raising his voice against corruption and supporting anna hazare and baba ramdev infact it was a crowd of hundreds of people. But then that night there was also India -England match and many among became busy in celebrating India's win after a long run .

We  all know that words have got great power but let this power be with few and rest try proving the words correct or speak after work is done  else when everyone starts speaking it only creates the noise.
Reason what I understand from my limited i.q.  Is that words when are only superficially invoked is the cause of temporary excitement  , inspiration , patriotism. Unless we are not able to associate our self with the problem we cant ever solve it physically and yes verbally we all can do it like I am currently..( as many can perceive in the same way after reading this.)  

Irony of the situation demands strong change , a strong physical change accompanied by powerful words . Well taking our country for now only in account in fact  taking my state only , it demands change powered with hope to millions still waiting to live again and march ahead in their life ever since it came to halt , (for many it was since birth.) Well in recent days I have came across so many bright people ,students  their blogs ,  and many even have already indulged themselves to see the change.

Why cant we then. Lets think something and try and implement it with all our hearts , whatever we can do , whatever we can give , whatever new we can invent , produce with  all hearts our into physical reality.  god has always given some people more and expect from them to even it out before they come out of this world. And we are those few people , so lets find , search , invent , discover , give , help , and see the change because may be next time we shall be other end.
Would like to end with  this popular quote
Someone has rightly said "be the change you wish to see the change"

Sunday, October 16, 2011

when we raised above caste, religion came , when we raised above religion our state came……

the purpose of writing is not to arise any kind of statism nor any other kind of discrimination but to accept the fact it really exists and how long we " self proclaimed educated, patriotic , well mannered cultured people" continue doing this.
i recently came across the write up  by famous critically acclaimed directors of our time Prakash jha   " Bihar is to India what  India is to West". and it truly inspired me to raise my voice adding my personal , friends , college experience to it.
i am from patna , bihar.   and i wont add india to my address as 1st i seek that our state gets it worth.  its neither statism nor any kind of discrimination because i know i am an indian first. but what its worth when wherever (outside state) you go they ask for your state and mostly it leaves a very negative impression and  we are not remembered for our name but for being tagged "bihari"  ( ofcourse leavin aside excpetional talents)
we want our india to grow develop and prosper how can it be when you leave one state that is  a mass of 9 crore people certainly its not possible.
last year i had been to kochi and there i committed mistake of getting posed for the pic at about 11:30 pm on main road . we were 3 friends from bihar. as we know rules are so strict in kochi , street police had to interfere in between and he at once guessed that we are from bihar only . as they had already set their negative notions to bihari people.  yes we did mistake but i ask what those 9 crores minus 3 people do that you are blaming such large community as large as many European countries in terms of population.  not this alone  , many times you get to hear people making mocks of bihari people. these people even being troubled for getting into professional newtworks .i ask how dare they call themselves educated if they could this so cheap discrimination.

you take the case of bihari people being harassed in Maharashtra , it was surely utter nonsense. how can we blame such a large community on the basis of some wrong people belonging from there. criminals are everywhere and criminals are not a state they are individual . bihar produce far more goods then few bads. yes we agree some of these guys have done such that state name is ought to go  down. and many of the times bihari people are caught victim atleast till recent past.yes we had been suffering for long due 15 years reign of awry government. yes bihar is one of the poorest and most illeterate and till few years before hub for crime activites.. but that doesnt mean bihari people are to be left at themselves. "Bihari" doesnt mean negative in any sense.we all need help to prosper. . you can never prosper as a whole if your one leg is always pulled in opposite direction. same is with our country. but we call ourselves literate ,educated once. so lets prove our education and its worth. lets charge against the wrong one wrong people . lets change ourselves lets change bihar lets change india as  now a lot has changed with the arrival of nitish kumar. he is really doing some damn good works.

lets change our ill-thoughts , narrow mindedness and respect everyone as an individual not by his state, caste and religion,lets come to bihar undrstand its problem and try resolving it. We as india have a long way to go ,long way to excel , long way to  show to the world india is at par with you all . and this can be done when we treat each of our people on  the same ground . that is good or bad , positive and negative and so on. Amen

Sunday, October 9, 2011

(you have got to find what you love-part 2)

On the verge of crossing 2nd decade and yet earned just one thing that’s to say in a pretty confident manner  that  "I still don’t know me , I still don’t know what I love , I still don’t know  what I want to die for and sadly for me if I don’t know these I don’t know anything".
I know for some these questions are meaningless but for me it always has acted as pinching or stimulating agent.  Of course   indulgence into these self-questions are not too often but when they are , they really are so intriguing and simultaneously   beginning to recapitulate  all my past experience to even more  intensify the answer of these questions in favor of negation.

Inspired by the "15 minutes speech of Sir  Steve Jobs at Stanford university "  deepened my quest to answer  these questions.
Well especially  in last one year or so when I have come out of the micro  closed shell ( of mum dad bro sis few friends iit , cricket , srk films) at least  physically I have come to know lots of characteristics of mine but the sad part was they always existed in pair  so  I never being able to conclude what I am because pendulum always swings to and fro.  I have discovered that I am one of the strong proofs at physical level to great Heisenberg's uncertainty principle . Laden with vast amount of scalar aptitude , skills , energy .

          comparing to what I was 2 years ago will completely deny all these conclusions of mine. So either I was not true to my heart 2 years ago or I have changed drastically. And now  presenting  first positive aspect of this post makes me so excited . If I was not true to my heart 2 years  ago then atleast  now I am not the same and if I have changed drastically then there is still a scope for me to take a leap into other change as well and this time for  acquiring vector aptitude skills and energy.  Because zero energy and scattered  vast amount of energy makes no difference. And with all these am on the way to search what I love what I wanna die for to know what I really am.    As steve job has aptly said "don’t settle down unless you find what is your love"..  

Saturday, September 24, 2011

You have got to find what you love !!!!

                    When i was 14 i thought i love to be scientist , when i became 18 i thought i love physics but at present the range of my eyes , mind , heart and soul seems sufficiently insufficient to detect these love rays . and according to the law of love  if you love something or even someone you just cant be with without it for more then a year . this is what i exactly did or better way to say this would be this happened to me .

          This lead me to chose between the two reasons  causing all these to occur. the 1st being me trying to avoid the reality and second  it was never my pure love. perhaps i liked solving two or three problems in physics and felt mesmerized after reading "a brief history of  time" took me to a very wrong illusion and still now. yes i loved solving mathematics riddles , imagining physics , thinking string theory and its consequences but then why didnt i continue this further and why am i still unwilling to continue with this.
so basically presently i am without my love and this seems true when after having loads of fun , hanging around with my friends for the whole day and just when i get to bed , its start paining me from no where. i start feeling restless ,unsatisfied with myself , and many more such pessimistic thoughts. the reason being i had always grown up always thinking and dreaming extra big and now when i know that i am not even close to average because i m still lying deep inside the unknown , unseen depth of this unwanted reality.

And all these converging on to the same point instability.  unfortunately i have to end this without any proper solution it because i dont have it this time not even a consolation for me.

Yyou have got to find what you love.................

Monday, August 22, 2011

2ND year begins not with a bang but with hope not with blast but with joy not with excellence but with betterment :)

Well its been days since I wrote here. May be its been days since I found time for myself and only for myself. And now finally feel  like writing  again and yet again the topic remains mystery and will be decided at the last (just like we do In unseen passage where e are told to find the title after reading it).

Its almost 1 month since I became a successful and fully 2nd year( that is with no back papers) electrical engineering student. And the branch name again starts intriguing me. Will I be able to carry this for another 3 years with honesty to myself and subject too. Reason being I never had the habit of studying for just scoring marks ( saying this I am not at all trying to put shadow on 1st year marks) and that also when you know whatever you are going to study these 3 years will rarely interest your deep soul sitting inside the mind. That is I will have to just whitewash the whole syllabus for another 3 years leaving aside few topics. And of course I am no Newton and no Einstein who will be lost in his own fantasy .
 And so a sense of  anxiety has started to prosper simultaneously in my mind  and trying like anything to displace the long settled peace  , smile , dream within and so strictly following the Pauli exclusion principle.
But as has been the history in my case these cold wars always resulting in favor of latter one though results most of the time were contrary to what I had expected and  fortunately these all  didn’t disturb me long because my "self" and "unconsciousness " had always "jaadu ki jhappi for me" .

And so again a hope in fact this time stronger then ever before has blossomed inside my garden which of course its not to get "cgpa 9" ( which still I know I cant get because I was never made for it) and neither the love for a princess ( for which i am made i think :P). It will take a while to reveal this in fact more then pretty long  because Einstein has truly said "success is all about keeping secrets". 

And so I being reg no- b100465ee ashish kumar pathak , electrical branch , nit calicut   will remain a electrical student for another 3 years and then no one knows. And I will say yes I am loving it…….. :)

Friday, July 15, 2011

Ignorance and not Innocense is ruining us...which we will never know unless something tragic happens to us because we are "HONEST IGNORANT CTIZENS"

Well yet again a serial blast , lives of 21 got the permanent pause and hundreds still praying for this "pause" to be temporary.
And the common response to these from those common people like me and you and all is , its really sad ,pathetic. Shit to Indian government , all politicians have yet again shown their level. they all are so mean , selfish. Opposition party started blaming the front. and another internal quarrel has begun instead searching for a remedy to this.
But the fact is we are safe na , we are yet healthy living so ("kya furk parta hai" attitude is still deeply rooted inside us) its just the superficial of ourselves getting into act with those verbal responses .well we all know thise very well. atleast 99.99% of us are like this only atleast i am. Because may be you all are very patriotic , but i am not and honestly saying  didnt even give the shit to this except for watching news few times just to know if this attack is going to break previous record in terms number of deaths.but as i am governed by spontaneity, intuition more so i just came across one of the  article "" which made me to think atleast once on this and this time  for a longer period.
.Everything whether its the news of terror attack , cricket , movies , greenhouse effect , they all are means of passing of our time sometime those times are entertaining while watching movies , cricket and sometimes little thrilling its a terror attack in Mumbai and sometimes the means to do long discussions while in a train journey with basically no feel , heart for it.and sometimes (though rare) means of knowledge which again unfortunately only helps in cracking "UPSC" and winning "Kaun Banega Karorepati"
Are we really this much selfish , self centered that we remain ignorant of these qualities of ourselves till            unfortunately ( forever). We cant even pay tax honestly  though we are earning in crores . Well if we would have been even honestly selfish also then also scenario of of are country could have been pretty different. But the problem is we cant be honest ever and we are sick of being ignorant and fortunately this ignorance keeps always ignorant so atleast we dont have ever the feel of any guilt and so live a pretty confident life

                          Even if everyone would have been taking what's his or her only , even if each one of us would have peen paying tax , even if all of us taking care of just our health , education well, we would not have been living in still 1947.
As said its never too late to begin ( how many times more we have to say this) atleast we can ask ourselves to be honestly selfish , atleast we can perform all our duties honestly  Atleast !!!. We are not ought to take care of those millions dying everyday of poverty , illiteracy , natural disasters , terror attacks . Perhaps atleast this generation of India has not got the heart for it including me. but we can do atleast this much atleast think for ourselves. Atleast !!!. Atleast we can dream to be big , and whatever we do,  we can do atleast with 75% honesty . Atleast we can care , love ourselves with a broader vision.
Well we can do this much i know , each of us can do this much .and i know we all will be able to do. god bless india , you me and everyone...

Monday, July 11, 2011

And I am crying and suddenly confused for why i am crying……….

Well its strange na infact pretty strange , sometimes I just  start crying spontaneously and then while I am in the midst of this cry I get confused why I am crying.. isn’t it madness or very weirdly strange. Its not that I am always crying neither crying always without reasons ( better will be to say crying with the reason which my consciousness is unaware of) . just like now. 

I began writing this post because as I was  listening  to one the songs (from yes boss “ek din aap”)  suddenly I felt like crying and in seconds eyes got wet. But  one thing which I am assure is ,  while I was crying (till few minutes ago) what I noticed was that I was not at all sad means there was no sign of grief atleast  my consciousness couldn’t remind me of that. Infact I felt better and fresh ( as last few days had been destructively bad for me ,  so these sudden tonics means a lot to me and I just don’t want to escape these rare drops of freshness and feel good factors and sharing with you all just extend this process a little longer so that I can be in this state a little longer as well and may be after that as well) and this is my current status as well.  
Well  I have got loads of reasons to cry infact everyone of us have, just the matter of putting on the desired switch. But what bewilders me,  this whole makes me even more fresh , and installs this feel good factor once again within me.
I know all these seem so out of blue and weird .But what can I do if all these happens with me ( well it happens with everyone , everyone has got so many differences in them ,its jus that some are more exposed and some a little less , both being equally correct) and I just can’t be away from expressing it. :):):):):):)

Monday, July 4, 2011

From a larger scale all odds and even , success and failure , troughs and crest, all seems same …..

Hmm may be 20 years or 30 years hence when I look upon my back the span of 40 or 50 years what will there be. Will it be the failure in jee or will it be the joy of getting into physics olympiad , will it be the paper back in engineering drawing or will it be the joy of getting 4653 in aieee (though it could have been much much better). Will it be serious fight

with one of my friend or will it be the wonderful adventurous trip to wayanaad with the army of 12 of us. Will it be long wait of call from my parents 1000s of mile away for 2 weeks or the classic sudden unplanned trip to cochin without informing anyone. Will it be long harsh demoralizing deadly scolding of papa or the still audible sweetest voice of the one.

Once I happened to be in hanuman temple near Patna Station with my best friend anurag basant. We were on the floor , looking down anurag said "ashish can you see the beautiful symmetry in such a complicated crowd full of so many diverse category of people , vehicles , building , roads . They all looking so much disordered when you are there right in the centre of crowd.. But all those seem to have some degree of symmetry when looking from here. Infact the farther you go , you can observe the greater symmetry." and today I just happened to first time realize it on my own and really this is one the most beautiful things which nature has to offer us. I am looking at the stars billions of kilometers away and they look so beautiful , I am at the sea beach the farthest of the region looks the most elegant , sitting near the window in a train the distant mountains and trees on it all those look so eyes capturing. And again the list goes on.

So is my life ( seeing from a optimistic eyes) full of these successes and failures , joys and sorrow , meets and leaving , love and pain , wins and losses , ups and highs , baldness and bald hair ,truth and lies and so… but is this only because I am seeing it all with my near eyes and frame. What if after 20 or 30 years these all seem a symmetrical pattern just like the disordered crowd looking somewhat beautiful and symmetrical when seen from some distance. Are these so many pairs just making life more wonderful , beautiful ,symmetrical and being in the resonance with the nature. Again seeing with the optimistic eyes, these all seem so beautiful. So why to worry , why to be ashamed , why to be suppressed , why to be dumb , why to be action less , why to fear , why not to fail , why not to fight . So let me be as unsymmetrical as I can now for it to become as symmetrical 30 or 40 years hence.

Thursday, June 30, 2011

What's missing????????

good morning ! its 8 am and 1st time in last 40 days i woke up so early....

Hmm its more then a week i have not talked to my parents , its more then a week that i have not talked to the one well , its more then a year that i have been searching and trying to redefine my aim , its more then a month i have not laughed hard , its more then a month that i have not danced on the road , talked nonsense and cracked unwanted jokes.......

so the list is really wrong and so its really difficult to conclude what exactly i am missing!!!!!!but somewhere this unwanted grief has come and stuck to me since the start of this month. and really this is one of the rarer phenomena in my case as the biggest of all the shockers had failed in making me miserable .

so somewhere something has surely been either misplaced or displaced. and ......

but i am noticing as i am writing , at least for this little period the "feel good" factor is trying displace its arch rival unwanted grief , i don't know about after 10 minutes what the situation will be because these days these two rivals have become so unpredictable .

so i dont want to write any more negatives here beacuse i have just started to feel good and i am going to continue this. wow blogspot thanks again atleast for a while i won this . but still search for the real missing factor will go on.....

Thursday, June 16, 2011

"CORE" inside the SHELL

Well now I am on the verge of getting into 2nd year ( if I am able to clear this summer) . And yet again I am feeling the change. It’s the change of 1st yr to 2nd yr. when I started the college life I never knew that at the end of the 1st year all I will have is back in engineering drawing to show to the world. But its  just the shell . But the real game was being played inside that shell for that last year. Actually I was transforming infact transforming hard  ( and at enough pace that in the first year only I got to realize all this and know the irony of this change to get a pause or stop button  atleast some deceleration needed)    inside that shell.
Now I could stay sitting  ideally for hours and hours with no output at all..
Now I could indulge myself for hours with my friends and eventually at end concluding that virtually we discussed just nothing.. It was all scattered matter , arguments , discussions and net vector sum coming zero.
Now I could remain bookless for days , week s(unfortunately  not months as we have test every other month)

And many more such habits have been  inculcated inside me and continuously  filling this shell and making this more packed.  I had to think , in fact think hard when I was serious last time. Always having fun , talking nonsense , roaming everywhere with a deeply rooted headphones, beginning to lie  to parents , wasting all time , losing all concentration which can simply be defined as "LOSS OF PEACE OF MIND" to some   developed mind  .
 Basically this has been my story breaking parents expectations , wasting 1 year , my "intelligence", taking only wrong decisions infact lots of them and it worth proved to be a big difference ( atleast to the world)losing awareness, gaining laziness to the maximum.
But this has all happened inside that shell. But what many missed to see is the "CORE"  inside the shell , the "CORE" which with every new experience becoming more hard , tough . The "CORE" which with every new experience  becoming more dense and hence making me more wise and removing this ignorance while keeping my innocence. Trying to spark the responsiblity , confidence , awareness within me once again.
I admit I am becoming more lazy but I am also knowing that what are its consequences , I admit that I am taking so many wrong  decisions but I am also knowing how to tackle those wrong made decisions , I admit I am being deceived by many but I am also knowing who are good who can remain good and who can make me good. I admit that I I didn’t study this 1 year but then  also I came to know the real importance of academics and at the end if I would have not got back in drawing then I would never known what it takes to rise above normal...
So the question remains is  this shell really saying enough?. Perhaps no , not at all. Infact its far more deep , far more useful , far more significant to me and life. Thanks god for this wonderful  , loving , so enjoying , experienceful  and biggest of all giving me the wit to learn from all these and help me to  know its not going to be repeated, because I don’t like repeating (except repeating drawing one last time).

So it has not been the construction of this  shell  but the construction of this "CORE".

Sunday, June 5, 2011

when you are stuck by a truck and you dont die you are bound to turn upside down.

Oooops i got  struck  to the truck and everything turns upside down.. and suddenly from "newton" to "srk", from "studious" to "bindaas" from "serious" to "carefree" and from ..........(this will still take some time)...........

This has been the story of my nit calicut 1st year b tech.. till12th i had a passion of physics as well a big srk fan its just that "physics" was dominating the srk inside me but now its time for the srk inside me to rise again... and if u want ask what it feels to get the tag of "chutiya" from a studious serious boy , i am the the best person to consult.
this is what some of the school friends had to say when they came to know about me and college
# well ashish doesnt study . this is simply imposssible.. dont lie ashish.. i know you..
# hmm ashish looks at girl also ,and he even said to one in the college (majak hi mein sahi but kaha na) impossible simply impossible
#ashish had also a crush that also from his school..hmm baat hajam nahi hui...
# hmm ashish has failed , this cant ever happen. but here am i again  in nit calicut....
and many more......................

 this what some of my friends here in nit have to say
# ashish ashish ashish srk................
# ashish hmm aisa tha school mein, didnt look at girls dont lie guys this cant ever happen....
#ashish atleast for 10 minutes cant be serious enough to open his book even before the day of exam...
#ashish and bunking classes can never seperate.......
and the list goes on here as well...........

but somethings remained same fortunately still having some innocence left and still devoid of wrong habits....

And  the incidence of myself getting struck to truck( in february 2010, place A.N. COLLEGE  PATNA) is true....very true was lucky enough to escape the accident even after the hit but i never thought this will someday become the topic of my blog that also in so much agreement with the whole story...

Saturday, June 4, 2011


 Before starting , let me clear yes i have been a die hard fan of shahrukh khan for long and may be this is the reason why i am learning from his characters even when to some other neutral guys its completely foolish . But i am foolish and not just a fan of srk but also love him and have a deep respect for his so struggling and mega star life. Kal ho na ho and swadesh has been 2 of his films in which i simply loved his characters and still aspire to be somewhere near to those characters in my life....
KAL HO NA HO - they called him Aman  and aman called her Naina..... and Naina coudnt do anything but fall in love with him. not only naina but jiya , rohit , jennifer and everyone who knew him had to love him because he simply was Aman.
             The way he  changed the sad , serious face of naina to the smiling one , the way he recollected the p naina's family from falling into pieces, the way he he resolved the tension between naina's mother and grandmother was simpply magical.. the way he usd to smile and make other smile always , the way with all purity in his heart he used to help otherss and the way he used to love...........well many will say it happens in films , yes it happens only films because we already have accepted ourselves to be so bad that we  fail to realize the reality of ecah of us is actually to be ever smiling , tenison free and not to be half hearted , selfish , always sad and hopeless. But well fortunately i am trying to learn something out of his character atleast i can be smiling and happy for me myself only. and atleast i can try making one sad face smiling for an hour for a day and more. What if i like doing so , what if  i like the one whom i want to make smile perhaps i have started doing it and am successful too , to some extent. in a quite similar manner to what aman did in the film...and to tell you its such a wonderful feeling. which cant be experienced unless you do it try it if you make 1 person happy and what if everyone does it what if you liked doing it and you tell it to others and the other one does the same to 2 people and so on.. we all be happy. wow thats amazing i guess........

SWADESH - Well i guess after  7 times watching(in just 3 weeks)  swadesh and and dont know how many more , i am still in a doubt if i have understood it completely each of its incidence, message and any more. Well its really so elegantly directed by Ashutosh Guwarikor , so accurate music by SIR A R Rehman and rest done by Shahrukh..

Well Swadesh tells you many things and Mohan Bargav tries to convey those to you all. Well this film was not just a commercial film which i got to realize after so many times watching it. Seriously swadesh was not a joke. its for each of us and rethink of what we are doing and what we are going to do. Well really you have got no right to study all 16 years in your country and then working for others , Well you have got no right to let go off the the small boy selling glass of water for 50 paise , Well you have got no right to say "hey you belong to shudra you cant be with us", Well you have got no right leave a poorest of the poor family at its state after coming so closer to it , Well you have got no right to be selfish because you are not animal . Well if anyone would have seen this even once seriously he or she will surely agree with me.
Well the way we are going , the way our society is going , the way our villages our going our country INDIA can never be  what it has meant to attain and many people feel proud to say that our country is developing hard but its all rubbish, you cant push a car in forward direction when there is a greater force  at the back in backward direction, it will strech for a while but soon it will be in lots of turmoil and no resultant diplacement.  .  Same is with our country. poor becoming poorer and rich becoming richer.You cant expect your country to develop in a real sense at the same time go for mission to mars , have luxurious life to the few and  leaving those 37 crores who dont even get 2 times meal daily, leave their education and "entertainment" they cant even  think n because its a crime to them to do so. And about 25 crores more get food but education still far behind them ... Still we go for 4 cars , 7 bikes , a new apartment in gurgaoun , a trip to malasia this time and the list goes on.      Government cant do on its own. Shahrukh correctly saying in the film we all are the part of government we need to be aware, try whatever we can. We need to find Mohan Bhargav in everyone atleast in someone atleast in one. We need him desperately
Seriously we need the fire , patriotism, feel for the needy ones , unselfishness of  Mohan Bhargav. guys go out for this film once again even if you have seen this. please start doing something for country , become aware , have wider vision  , start helping ,  then see the happiness arising in your heart , its simply divine .. Seriously.....And if you dont believe it watch swadesh...

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

sometimes when i become too expressive and when matters the most i am dumb

Where to start, now i am bored of writing same emotional stuffs here. But this is how i am feeling now. Sometimes too expressive sometimes dumb. my mum knows this , my pops , didi , manish , nani , anurag , kishu ,and some more knows this and still they love me because they know ashish is not bad. they teach me to overcome this but never discard me atleast beacause this is love and the only love. And this love is what that is till keeping our universe in a state of equilibrium. And may be i am again becoming too expressive but this is what i am.and u cant have motherhood , brotherhood , friendship without love. so without love its better to be stranger then to disguise oneself and hurting someone.but when love is there u cant be hurt...
and for the case of dumbness list just goes on............when i wanted to hug my mom while she was crying for me , i remained dumb , when i had to say sorry to di i remained dumb , when i had to say wonderful anurag , jha i remained dumb..its strange for me i just cant say someone love u , hug u , in front of the person and also fail to praise also in front him... but now i am learning i guess.. learning a lot especially from deepraj to praise someone and its really a wonderful act when u forget ur pride , ego for a while and try to see the qualities of other person.. the same with my best friend anurag , he used to praise me a lot even after solving small and a bit twisted problem which just used to keep me motivated for the whole day. and i always failed to praise all these people and more though they deserve a lot more.

hmm am learning each day , each new experience giving me a lesson and i am so glad that the wisdom of catching smal small lessons from these difficult experiences has suddenly sparked within me.. hope i go on with this...............

Thursday, May 26, 2011

i love being here........................

Huh! its 9 pm shekhad , "maine khana khaa liyaa main chala cc ", "didi is baar main summer me nit jaa raha hoon lekin waha jaake roj raat ko blog likhoongaa ", "jhaa chal rahe ho cc " ,"well di kuch likhne ko dil kar raha hai" ,"xxxxxx aaj fir maine blog likha padh lena "and so on......................
thnx to chaubey , vineet bhiya who inspired me to get here and i didnt know, then this blog will become so integral part of my life. Well now whenever i am feeling good , whatever i am experiecing something different , new whenever i  want to cry ( which i like seriously) , whenever i want to smile , laugh  harder this place simply attracts, seduces me.. i dont know from where the "feel good" factor comes whenever sitting in front of the computer , lappy pressing each keys and simply writing whatever comes into my mind. its never planned or like something , i just keep on writing whatever comes in my mind or intuition says.

and so i love you , u  keep the "feel good" factor on within me...................

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

when dream to reality gives a new hope...................

What if everything is a dream. Infact I just wish everything is dream. Just like being haunted by the ghost in the  dream and then suddenly I wake up and have a gr8 sigh of relief , thank god it was just a dream…… so why not carry this concept to a bigger picture.. so what happens if I failed , so what happens if don’t get into iit , so what happens if my summer holiday is being in a way I never wanted to have, so what happens if don’t get someone for whom destiny made me to wait so long ,so what happens if I made my father’s dream expectation drown,  so what happens my grand pa died suddenly ,  so what happens I didn’t talk to my sis for more then 1.5 years, so what happens if I  had so many dreams broken, so what happens if all this are absolutely true……. May be it’s all a dream , a dream which can break suddenly when I awake… when I realize it was all a dream..may be all those can still come true, may be  , may be my grandpa calls me yet again “ashish patience honi chaihye ”, may be  I could spend my summer one last time with my sister , brother , nani all family together last time, may be we are not that far soon , may be I see yet again the feel of pride happiness in father’s eyes and list goes on….there’s still a hope for all coming true in the reality , atleast some of them.. atleast  1 of them…………… 

But the problem remains where’s this coordinate system has its zero.. so that I know yes after this reality comes.. so that I know now I am awake finally with a hope that it indeed was dream.. may be I will never find that intersection of dream and reality axis and so the zero. But atleast  I have the right  to think that way atleast  and feel satisfied , yes someday everything will be fine and as I have thought of.. in doing so I am assuring atleast I m having the feeling of good and so is my present having  also a pleasant time. And at the end of the day we all wish to have a smiling face full of deep satisfaction and pure happiness. What if this concept does for me ..i hope I don’t find any flaws in this then I will have to search a new concept to make me happy and keep doing good because I just cant stay sad , never ever… because I am born to be happy , smile achieve what I wish..and I will do may be after this dream ends or sometimes in the dream too..

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

when you get a paper bak in and still you are smiling then there must something deeper then this something more logical , beautiful , elegant , true then what i can think...

Well this 10th may was something special in a way that 1st time since my start of academic career i got a proper "fail". but mind u the consequences of this is much harder then if i would have failed earlier in school life. As my almost whole summer holiday will be spent again in nit calicut. and all of my plans for 1 of the 3 long holidays of college career is spoiled........The most significant reason why this result is sometimes disturbing is the disappointment of my parents , nani and will just be for few days with my sister , brother , kishu, anurag  for 1 last time.

    And if i try to forget these then what remains is again always smiling , free ashish... And this time perhaps fortunately i have got the reason i have got one more to whom i will share my nonsense etc. perhaps the special  one. and wishing for the long time.. its really strange how the god's mind work.. when u wish something , someone with so much desperation he simply makes you even more desperate and when you become hopeless or stop wishing suddenly something strikes from somewhere in god's mind and he fulfills.. well it will still take a while before i am able to understand his riddle. but anyway for now or in situation like these i just need to enjoy , love cherish god's gift......

Monday, May 9, 2011

maiden success feels like ....................................................

Well perhaps i had never wanted anything with that much passion(shayad) that now i ashish kumar pathak  finally gets the taste of maiden success or almost on the verge that he is getting the smell of it...

Well when i was in 7th i was not selected for the english debate though i was equally desrving seriously.... but still i stood again...

  Well for maths olympiad i devoted few months like anything , enjoying every moment of it but
ultimately what i got was the bitter  faliure. but still i stood again.

Well for 10th boards i devoted months but ultimately what i got was 17th rank in my scchool. was a again a bitter faliure( perhaps it was the most unfortunate coz since before i was always among top 3 atleast...) but still i stood again.
Well for Astronomy olympiad 2wice i got to 2nd round but ultimately getting eliminated in the major next round..was again a bitter faliure.  but still i stood again

Well then came two years long devoted hard work for iit 2010 and then again it was a faliure....... but still i stood again....

Well then i couldnt give iit again coz i was selected last time left me thinking for long that was i really made for this. was my destiny just a 6 letter word "faliure"   .Because now i was even devoid of making attempts. i was not allowed to try for which i loved like anything............ but still i stood again

Well it seems till now i am pretty much adjusted to stand again and again........

But suddenly i dunno from where angel(male) came realizing mine 11 year long lost mission...............And then fir kya tha i marched on and first time everything was going so smoothly with just few stings in between which later on proved to be even more beneficial for me to get the smell of maiden success. Perhaps i cant say its a success infact there is only one thing satisfaction which you feel after you get or atleast get the hint of achieving , getting it.   
Thnx god , gradually i am tending to believe in super power within me , you everyone.. hope this goes on but even if it doesnt i know how to stand again.........................

Saturday, May 7, 2011

life is all about finding happiness,happiness stays in love , love in purity of heart , pure heart stays in simplicity , and simplicity in everyone.

Well i have just  managed to set up a topic but i doubt if my contents will be upto the topic but still i will try my best...coz once i start writing i just start flowing with ....
         For me life was always the small radius covering my family , few friends , srk , ganguly , some studies, my nonsense and thats it.. Well then after being 1 year away from my home i came to realize this was my radius by default . Infact this was all i had since my birth for 18 yrs i could just manage to keep it constant. I came to realize this radius begins to increase with one's experience and this experience is all what that makes our life ..shayad...

                      Well so with  the view that everything happening is just a new experience for me and so is increasing my radius...May be sometimes , infact most of the times as in my case its against you but the wisdom lies in accepting it with equal respect and expecting,  yes life has something better to offer  soon. And in doing so we are actually living the purpose of life because we are happy because we are expecting good and because we are expecting good we are living our life. and no one can snatch it from me...

And truly i have failed to link my heading and its contents....waise i guess love arises when you  show your pure heart to someone and that takes the simplicity of your true being. Because i guess if we remain normal and just dont think too much and then what remains is our simplicity which is pure , love , happiness everything....


Sunday, April 17, 2011

when even the silence smiles.................

                                Well now after having almost 1 year away infact too far away from my home i have witnessed one of the best qualities of mine {{which is just one of the many (but alien from those who know me)}}  that i just cant stay sad for more then  "3 hrs". Even the biggest of shocks has  failed to disappoint me . And the reason being    "I SMILE I SMILE ". Well there had been so many incidences which really shocked me but could never sadden me for more then " 3 hrs". And  the cry, sadness , disappointment , silence within me just knows one 5 letter word called "SMILE".                 
                                    And thats why even at 12:00 midnight walking down dark road , everyone fast sleep , ,  not a single sound from anywhere,  just the hint of dim yellow light,exam the next day and and i know that i know nothing, but what i know is that there is this silence and my smile making my journey one of the most beautiful..
i dont know if this is madness , magic ,  love ,  happiness or whatever but what i  want is to experience it for ever and ever ..

Thursday, March 31, 2011

when your smile and hair resonates with the wind...

Seriously never ever come in doubt that i m in love just like the shahrukh of veer zara , kal ho na ho etc..
Its just that i experience the smile , power , confidence from within or in fact having no source while walking alone at 9 pm amidst the long waving trees, these days. I dont know why but i love this.. seriously speaking its the best part of coming to nit calicut where you can find tress even on the marbles. well the best part comes while travelling to the city on the bus, sitting near the window, bus going at 65 km/hr and my ( i have got one of the famous hairs here) hairs waving in all directions and suddenly from where i start smiling and simply enjoying this journey for about 1 hr and the same while returning back. also frankly speaking i prefer going to city,  to be in resonance with this wind for 2 hrs, ofcourto going there and having  the blast or going to malls are also the reasons..  Its simply amazing. u all (   what a   probability of you to enjoy this experience(by my influence ), 1st of all u need to be 1 among the billions lucky enough to read my blog and then lucky enough to come to nit calicut) can try this. but 1 condition leave behind all your thoughts while traveling. be simply thoughtless coz out of thoughtlessness come the resonating smile on your face..
so i am going to enjoy this, try your luck if you could...

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Just felt like writing........

WELL ITS Saturday here in fact everywhere. just took my bath and feeling really fresh. today i had to wake a bit early at 9 30 am for playing cricket but then match was cancelled. and soon got calls from my team members (english project), i being a group leader regarding when will i start as we have to submit it it on monday only and i have not even started . but being the leader all i could say is trust me. and then i came here computer center for doing something related to project but then again dil hai ki maanta nahii.. i started blogging.

               another issue which is really hurting from past few days is that , i ashish kumar pathak is plotting against 2nd year seniors.. well not even in my dream , this thought had ever come into my mind. i dont know from where my name along with 3 suddenly got this red light attention. Gradually i was having a feel of good relationship with my seniors and i really was enjoying this and loving as well, and now i dont know from where this all has got "u" turn.
why will i do such mean thing, i was enjoying raging, atleast i liked to be slapped once in a while but still .....anyway i cant do anything in this case. though i have talked to some of the seniors related to this and telling i m not the guilty.    hope all this gets changed........

Sunday, March 20, 2011


      sometimes while sitting alone , i get to realize how much i have learnt in last 10 months or long as i was in home , i used to see with only mine frame of reference and had made some misconception and thought world is limited to that only. but now gradually and steadily i am getting to realize the beauty of every experience, lesson of every experience which always tries to make me, you a better person. well to be frank i am 67% successful in this case.
                        To be really truthful, i was indeed a narrow minded person, not only narrow minded but had very little knowledge about this complex universe. my world was just limited to small radius of this infinite world. But now i get after meeting so many different type of people , sometime a feel of pride automatically arisies for knowing these many diverse categories of people.
initialliy i dont know why , but i think my friends tell true that i was a child. i used to be influenced by other's sweet words so easily. in no time i used to like any new people whom i would interact for even few days . AND THIS  CONTINUED here till 1st semester and infact is continuing now. but after getting thudershocks from those whom i liked the most is what preparing me to become a more mature person and know that the world and its people are not so straight and simple. ITs really difficult to have a true friend, true person to rely upon. in 1st sem i almost liked everyone from our group of 20 people or so and feel that they all are good, pure and now when you get to know that its just doesnt matter to them , really hurts and so prepares you for a healthy future. may be its my negative attitude that i start expecting from someone the same way what i have it for them ,without even letting them know that i really care for them.. may be i start liking so many... i dunno why.. but now i am restricting myself . to be really frank now leaving 1 or 2 in the college i just cant trust anyone... well now my power to have faith on someone is fading. SOMETIMES its feel why not to  leave alone. have friends just for yes or no or formality.. but again its heart's problem it just start liking anyone who he its better to leave your emotions and become a hard person which again i know i just cant do it. so what will i do which again i dont know. but yes now i m not going to make extra contacts.and will just stop expecting for the trust from anyone even those 1 or 2. atleast i will feel secured. because u never know when someone will leave you because you never mattered to him.
                                So stop expecting, liking , trusting , love nature, parents and if you get some girl and love ur life.. My lesson of 1st year betch, NIT CALICUT..........

Saturday, March 5, 2011


    WELL its really strange , that after almost 9 months of jee shock...the disappointment of not getting into iits has  began hurting me... till sometime before, i had almost forgotten about this incidence. In fact after the result also, it never hurt me that much... i was pretty good at recovering myself from the shock very soon.
                  but now seeing my roommate preparing for jee and myself though wanting to give jee again , cant give.. has gradually   started to hurt me. whenever i see him solving sample jee paper, it reminds me back of my preparation days. When never in my dream i i could have thought of getting more then air 1000.. also knowing the place where i m in "nit calicut" is not of my type. Here like school u have write damn note, practical in copy , attend boring classes.. go behind pointers. study what u dont want and dont study what u want. and too much strictness.....   which i never had the habit of.
            well all these sometimes make me frustrated with nitc.. so may be if i would have been in  or be in iit then may there sitiuation would have been better. atleast students would bee more creative or professor would be more creative and more concerned towards interest based studies...
         all these resulting in loneliness , sometime even tears come when thinking of past.. but now i have no other means. i have to stay here. MAY be yet again god has better plans for me..i HOPE i understand his riddles... well i need to do this very soon else sands will slip of my hands.....i need to hold back it till find the golden pebble in it..
    Well i never thought of  doing jobs , placements.. I always had my side towards physics , some good social work to help others and rest traveling..... i want to do this much only .. for this i need to divert my focus from my past to future.