Feeling good.....

   Well i don't know if i have got "jaadu ki jhappi or what" because i am just always happy and cool these days....even if i get some disappointment or something like that it remains just for next 1 min and then it suddenly goes off... well its really ridiculous but giving me the non stop happiness.. Well few months ago i used to have loads of tensions for small small reasons which really used to be a big headache for me..
       but now after not being able to study at IIT ( though i was qualifier 6339) i don't know why i feel even more comfortable , happy , free , confident.. Its really amazing i guess.
              Perhaps i have learnt to manage my ego ( the biggest  evil ) and know that happiness doesnt come from success or reasons but happiness gives rise to reason and success ( wah ye to quotation ban gayi --hai na??)
   May be i am gradually and steadily able to know that yes there is something very deep then this body , something far more important , something  that is really worth divine always telling me that you have got the every right to enjoy every moment , you have everything what it takes to be happy , smiling , laughing alwayss...So why to be upset , sad and etc etc..
                               Before this i often used to be upset or taken aback by my father's scoldings (and mind u my papa really humilates u so harshly during his scoldings)..But now i just let him do  and forget as soon as ends his scoldings..Also it very rarely matters me what others say...i am in my own world...and i am loving it .  i dont know why but i am enjoying.. still a lot to learn and it will take a while before i get perfection in this..
        still sometime i take seriously other's nonsense..  which i know soon will be past........and i just wish this from god..."LET ME CONTINUE THIS"  because i know if i have this attitude and this smiling face always i will be able to do anything and get anything.  And soon i m gonna start my mission...  and still i know it wont change me.. i will be what i am now "ever laughing , smiling , happy  , sometimes sad though( but kabhi kabhi aansooon nikal jaye to uski bhi alag hi baat hai) "
                         So   I   will go on on on on and on forever................................................

And so i lost , defeated but yet succeeded ........

Well it has been 18 years since i came into this world... and the biggest disappointment till date has been underdog performance(low rank )  in JEE 2010. for 1st few weeks after the result i thought its the jee'S or to say my luck's mistake..but after analyzing long i came to this that, i always had Fear of failure , success an everything.. this had a such a negative impact that it destroyed my 2 year long hard work...and many more expectation..
                    FEAR FEAR N FEAR WAS MY last 2 year journey......which soon poisoned  my hard work and finally destroyed it.. I dont know from where this drop of Fear came into mind and soon it was the victim..Till class 10th i never had this fear of failure ever..But then suddenly in class mid of class of 11th Fear came and fu*** me.... Fear soon lessened my confidence and efficiency.. I soon came under the burden of my surrounding's expectations.. I used to think what will happen if i lose , if i get low rank , i am not able to solve all etc etc and etc.........And like this always...i feared to see the solutions.. i also enhanced my silly mistake and carelessness which really played a superb role in helping me to get such a low rank in jee.. I almost did 100 number silly mistake.. and mind u the supreme power was still fear.. and as long as u have fear inside u cant have god there..And so i lost...
                               But mind u i still won and succeeded...because i know why i failed.......i know it was the fear which defeated me.. so here am i to take it as challenge..And surely wherever u are "fear" u r gonna lose soon.... so mind it...i just have to see my goal .. and nothing else and thats it..
                think less and so fear less dude.And u will cherish always............Like i have started now in most of the cases.. But still a lots of improvement  is required...AND I M GONNA DO IT.....

WELL (DISSAPOINTMENT) SHOCK*SHOCK WORKS SAME AS (-VE)*(-VE)=(+VE)

Well on 26th May 2010 , i thought it was all over........My all 2 yrs hard work, passion, all got dissolved in 4 digit number 6339... well it really feels like crying perhaps making me to think "did i really deserve only this much"..
The problem was not with the the 4 digit number which i got in jee but with the false impression somewhere inside me which always  made me  to believe that i was much beyond this...
                            Well  losing is never a problem but to think that even for a second that u can win and still u lose is like preferring the other side of life......i don't know who for last 2 years continuously made me to believe that u r here to win, making all of my parents ,relatives ,teachers,friends to expect that I m gonna reach there....well not even my dreams i thought this.....Well as far as i am concerned i might manage this , but who will tell my parents, who will heal the pain of my mom and dad...my father always had proud on me..who will heal that.. is what not letting me to settle yet.....i love you mumma and papa....i never wanted this to happen.. i did all i could...but sometimes this secondary element comes and destroys all your plan....
                                                      The second one came soon when i got to know that i wont be able give jee again also when i knew my direction is changing....well these shocks are really making me shock proof...hope i cry so much that my tears got dried for always....
Well to be really frank soon after my result i was able to convince myself "ALL IZZZ WELL" and by the time i entered NIT CALICUT i had become again bindaas and am  still a cool dude.. But sometimes of not getting to iits pinches me espacially when i remember that how hard work i had done for last 2 years.. it really pains like anything.. i never expected to get beyond 500 rank .And finally when i ended up getting 6339 broken me..STILL thanx god for making me forget all those things soon..


       But now whenever i become disappointed remembering all those is not because it hurts me but because it clashes my ego..I feel how can I (ASHISH KUMAR PATHAK) who has set his standard so high cant study in the best college of India....which again proves EGO the most dangerous evil....
               So here am i to lessen my ego..fear of failure.... .Well finally i can say that yes getting a double shock made me to learn such two most important things of life..Well when you are able to become aware of this ,it doesn't really matter you fail or succeed because you never fail....Its still early days, and i have to learn a lot ...
                The final aim of every individual is to be happy ,cheerful and always smiling and i think i m tending towards the "big permanent smileeee"