sometimes when i become too expressive and when matters the most i am dumb

Where to start, now i am bored of writing same emotional stuffs here. But this is how i am feeling now. Sometimes too expressive sometimes dumb. my mum knows this , my pops , didi , manish , nani , anurag , kishu ,and some more knows this and still they love me because they know ashish is not bad. they teach me to overcome this but never discard me atleast till.now. beacause this is love and the only love. And this love is what that is till keeping our universe in a state of equilibrium. And may be i am again becoming too expressive but this is what i am.and u cant have motherhood , brotherhood , friendship without love. so without love its better to be stranger then to disguise oneself and hurting someone.but when love is there u cant be hurt...
and for the case of dumbness list just goes on............when i wanted to hug my mom while she was crying for me , i remained dumb , when i had to say sorry to di i remained dumb , when i had to say wonderful anurag , jha i remained dumb..its strange for me i just cant say someone love u , hug u , in front of the person and also fail to praise also in front him... but now i am learning i guess.. learning a lot especially from deepraj to praise someone and its really a wonderful act when u forget ur pride , ego for a while and try to see the qualities of other person.. the same with my best friend anurag , he used to praise me a lot even after solving small and a bit twisted problem which just used to keep me motivated for the whole day. and i always failed to praise all these people and more though they deserve a lot more.

hmm am learning each day , each new experience giving me a lesson and i am so glad that the wisdom of catching smal small lessons from these difficult experiences has suddenly sparked within me.. hope i go on with this...............

i love being here........................

Huh! its 9 pm shekhad , "maine khana khaa liyaa main chala cc ", "didi is baar main summer me nit jaa raha hoon lekin waha jaake roj raat ko blog likhoongaa ", "jhaa chal rahe ho cc " ,"well di kuch likhne ko dil kar raha hai" ,"xxxxxx aaj fir maine blog likha padh lena "and so on......................
thnx to chaubey , vineet bhiya who inspired me to get here and i didnt know, then this blog will become so integral part of my life. Well now whenever i am feeling good , whatever i am experiecing something different , new whenever i  want to cry ( which i like seriously) , whenever i want to smile , laugh  harder this place simply attracts, seduces me.. i dont know from where the "feel good" factor comes whenever sitting in front of the computer , lappy pressing each keys and simply writing whatever comes into my mind. its never planned or like something , i just keep on writing whatever comes in my mind or intuition says.

and so i love you blogspot.com , u  keep the "feel good" factor on within me...................

when dream to reality gives a new hope...................

What if everything is a dream. Infact I just wish everything is dream. Just like being haunted by the ghost in the  dream and then suddenly I wake up and have a gr8 sigh of relief , thank god it was just a dream…… so why not carry this concept to a bigger picture.. so what happens if I failed , so what happens if don’t get into iit , so what happens if my summer holiday is being in a way I never wanted to have, so what happens if don’t get someone for whom destiny made me to wait so long ,so what happens if I made my father’s dream expectation drown,  so what happens my grand pa died suddenly ,  so what happens I didn’t talk to my sis for more then 1.5 years, so what happens if I  had so many dreams broken, so what happens if all this are absolutely true……. May be it’s all a dream , a dream which can break suddenly when I awake… when I realize it was all a dream..may be all those can still come true, may be  , may be my grandpa calls me yet again “ashish patience honi chaihye ”, may be  I could spend my summer one last time with my sister , brother , nani all family together last time, may be we are not that far soon , may be I see yet again the feel of pride happiness in father’s eyes and list goes on….there’s still a hope for all coming true in the reality , atleast some of them.. atleast  1 of them…………… 

But the problem remains where’s this coordinate system has its zero.. so that I know yes after this reality comes.. so that I know now I am awake finally with a hope that it indeed was dream.. may be I will never find that intersection of dream and reality axis and so the zero. But atleast  I have the right  to think that way atleast  and feel satisfied , yes someday everything will be fine and as I have thought of.. in doing so I am assuring atleast I m having the feeling of good and so is my present having  also a pleasant time. And at the end of the day we all wish to have a smiling face full of deep satisfaction and pure happiness. What if this concept does for me ..i hope I don’t find any flaws in this then I will have to search a new concept to make me happy and keep doing good because I just cant stay sad , never ever… because I am born to be happy , smile achieve what I wish..and I will do may be after this dream ends or sometimes in the dream too..

when you get a paper bak in b.tech and still you are smiling then there must something deeper then this something more logical , beautiful , elegant , true then what i can think...

Well this 10th may was something special in a way that 1st time since my start of academic career i got a proper "fail". but mind u the consequences of this is much harder then if i would have failed earlier in school life. As my almost whole summer holiday will be spent again in nit calicut. and all of my plans for 1 of the 3 long holidays of college career is spoiled........The most significant reason why this result is sometimes disturbing is the disappointment of my parents , nani and will just be for few days with my sister , brother , kishu, anurag  for 1 last time.

    And if i try to forget these then what remains is again always smiling , free ashish... And this time perhaps fortunately i have got the reason also....as i have got one more to whom i will share my nonsense etc. perhaps the special  one. and wishing for the long time.. its really strange how the god's mind work.. when u wish something , someone with so much desperation he simply makes you even more desperate and when you become hopeless or stop wishing suddenly something strikes from somewhere in god's mind and he fulfills.. well it will still take a while before i am able to understand his riddle. but anyway for now or in situation like these i just need to enjoy , love cherish god's gift......

maiden success feels like ....................................................

Well perhaps i had never wanted anything with that much passion(shayad) that now i ashish kumar pathak  finally gets the taste of maiden success or almost on the verge that he is getting the smell of it...

Well when i was in 7th i was not selected for the english debate though i was equally desrving seriously.... but still i stood again...

  Well for maths olympiad i devoted few months like anything , enjoying every moment of it but
ultimately what i got was the bitter  faliure. but still i stood again.

Well for 10th boards i devoted months but ultimately what i got was 17th rank in my scchool. was a again a bitter faliure( perhaps it was the most unfortunate coz since before i was always among top 3 atleast...) but still i stood again.
 
Well for Astronomy olympiad 2wice i got to 2nd round but ultimately getting eliminated in the major next round..was again a bitter faliure.  but still i stood again

Well then came two years long devoted hard work for iit 2010 and then again it was a faliure....... but still i stood again....

Well then i couldnt give iit again coz i was selected last time left me thinking for long that was i really made for this. was my destiny just a 6 letter word "faliure"   .Because now i was even devoid of making attempts. i was not allowed to try for which i loved like anything............ but still i stood again

Well it seems till now i am pretty much adjusted to stand again and again........

But suddenly i dunno from where angel(male) came realizing mine 11 year long lost mission...............And then fir kya tha i marched on and first time everything was going so smoothly with just few stings in between which later on proved to be even more beneficial for me to get the smell of maiden success. Perhaps i cant say its a success infact there is only one thing satisfaction which you feel after you get or atleast get the hint of achieving , getting it.   
Thnx god , gradually i am tending to believe in super power within me , you everyone.. hope this goes on but even if it doesnt i know how to stand again.........................

life is all about finding happiness,happiness stays in love , love in purity of heart , pure heart stays in simplicity , and simplicity in everyone.

Well i have just  managed to set up a topic but i doubt if my contents will be upto the topic but still i will try my best...coz once i start writing i just start flowing with ....
         For me life was always the small radius covering my family , few friends , srk , ganguly , some studies, my nonsense and thats it.. Well then after being 1 year away from my home i came to realize this was my radius by default . Infact this was all i had since my birth for 18 yrs i could just manage to keep it constant. I came to realize this radius begins to increase with one's experience and this experience is all what that makes our life ..shayad...

                      Well so with  the view that everything happening is just a new experience for me and so is increasing my radius...May be sometimes , infact most of the times as in my case its against you but the wisdom lies in accepting it with equal respect and expecting,  yes life has something better to offer  soon. And in doing so we are actually living the purpose of life because we are happy because we are expecting good and because we are expecting good we are living our life. and no one can snatch it from me...

And truly i have failed to link my heading and its contents....waise i guess love arises when you  show your pure heart to someone and that takes the simplicity of your true being. Because i guess if we remain normal and just dont think too much and then what remains is our simplicity which is pure , love , happiness everything....