when your smile and hair resonates with the wind...

Seriously never ever come in doubt that i m in love just like the shahrukh of veer zara , kal ho na ho etc..
Its just that i experience the smile , power , confidence from within or in fact having no source while walking alone at 9 pm amidst the long waving trees, these days. I dont know why but i love this.. seriously speaking its the best part of coming to nit calicut where you can find tress even on the marbles. well the best part comes while travelling to the city on the bus, sitting near the window, bus going at 65 km/hr and my ( i have got one of the famous hairs here) hairs waving in all directions and suddenly from where i start smiling and simply enjoying this journey for about 1 hr and the same while returning back. also frankly speaking i prefer going to city,  to be in resonance with this wind for 2 hrs, ofcourto going there and having  the blast or going to malls are also the reasons..  Its simply amazing. u all (   what a   probability of you to enjoy this experience(by my influence ), 1st of all u need to be 1 among the billions lucky enough to read my blog and then lucky enough to come to nit calicut) can try this. but 1 condition leave behind all your thoughts while traveling. be simply thoughtless coz out of thoughtlessness come the resonating smile on your face..
so i am going to enjoy this, try your luck if you could...

Just felt like writing........

WELL ITS Saturday here in fact everywhere. just took my bath and feeling really fresh. today i had to wake a bit early at 9 30 am for playing cricket but then match was cancelled. and soon got calls from my team members (english project), i being a group leader regarding when will i start as we have to submit it it on monday only and i have not even started . but being the leader all i could say is trust me. and then i came here computer center for doing something related to project but then again dil hai ki maanta nahii.. i started blogging.
                

               another issue which is really hurting from past few days is that , i ashish kumar pathak is plotting against 2nd year seniors.. well not even in my dream , this thought had ever come into my mind. i dont know from where my name along with 3 suddenly got this red light attention. Gradually i was having a feel of good relationship with my seniors and i really was enjoying this and loving as well, and now i dont know from where this all has got "u" turn.
why will i do such mean thing, i was enjoying raging, atleast i liked to be slapped once in a while but still .....anyway i cant do anything in this case. though i have talked to some of the seniors related to this and telling i m not the guilty.    hope all this gets changed........

LESSON ONE -- B.TECH 1ST YEAR NIT CALICUT.................

      sometimes while sitting alone , i get to realize how much i have learnt in last 10 months or so....as long as i was in home , i used to see with only mine frame of reference and had made some misconception and thought world is limited to that only. but now gradually and steadily i am getting to realize the beauty of every experience, lesson of every experience which always tries to make me, you a better person. well to be frank i am 67% successful in this case.

                        To be really truthful, i was indeed a narrow minded person, not only narrow minded but had very little knowledge about this complex universe. my world was just limited to small radius of this infinite world. But now i get after meeting so many different type of people , sometime a feel of pride automatically arisies for knowing these many diverse categories of people.

initialliy i dont know why , but i think my friends tell true that i was a child. i used to be influenced by other's sweet words so easily. in no time i used to like any new people whom i would interact for even few days . AND THIS  CONTINUED here till 1st semester and infact is continuing now. but after getting thudershocks from those whom i liked the most is what preparing me to become a more mature person and know that the world and its people are not so straight and simple. ITs really difficult to have a true friend, true person to rely upon. in 1st sem i almost liked everyone from our group of 20 people or so and feel that they all are good, pure and now when you get to know that its just doesnt matter to them , really hurts and so prepares you for a healthy future. may be its my negative attitude that i start expecting from someone the same way what i have it for them ,without even letting them know that i really care for them.. may be i start liking so many... i dunno why.. but now i am restricting myself . to be really frank now leaving 1 or 2 in the college i just cant trust anyone... well now my power to have faith on someone is fading. SOMETIMES its feel why not to  leave alone. have friends just for yes or no or formality.. but again its heart's problem it just start liking anyone who he wants....so its better to leave your emotions and become a hard person which again i know i just cant do it. so what will i do which again i dont know. but yes now i m not going to make extra contacts.and will just stop expecting for the trust from anyone even those 1 or 2. atleast i will feel secured. because u never know when someone will leave you because you never mattered to him.

                                So stop expecting, liking , trusting , love nature, parents and if you get some girl and love ur life.. My lesson of 1st year betch, NIT CALICUT..........

WHEN U REALIZE THE PAIN AFTER MONTHS OF ITS IMPACT.............

    WELL its really strange , that after almost 9 months of jee shock...the disappointment of not getting into iits has  began hurting me... till sometime before, i had almost forgotten about this incidence. In fact after the result also, it never hurt me that much... i was pretty good at recovering myself from the shock very soon.
                  but now seeing my roommate preparing for jee and myself though wanting to give jee again , cant give.. has gradually   started to hurt me. whenever i see him solving sample jee paper, it reminds me back of my preparation days. When never in my dream i i could have thought of getting more then air 1000.. also knowing the place where i m in "nit calicut" is not of my type. Here like school u have write damn note, practical in copy , attend boring classes.. go behind pointers. study what u dont want and dont study what u want. and too much strictness.....   which i never had the habit of.
            well all these sometimes make me frustrated with nitc.. so may be if i would have been in  or be in iit then may there sitiuation would have been better. atleast students would bee more creative or professor would be more creative and more concerned towards interest based studies...
         all these resulting in loneliness , sometime even tears come when thinking of past.. but now i have no other means. i have to stay here. MAY be yet again god has better plans for me..i HOPE i understand his riddles... well i need to do this very soon else sands will slip of my hands.....i need to hold back it till find the golden pebble in it..
    Well i never thought of  doing jobs , placements.. I always had my side towards physics , some good social work to help others and rest traveling..... i want to do this much only .. for this i need to divert my focus from my past to future.
         HOPE I BECOME DETERMINED SOON ......................ITS NEVER TOO LATE TO BEGIN AND NEVER TOO LATE TO REALIZE FUTURE ALWAYS COMES AFTER PAST .. AND FUTURE AND PRESENT CAN ONLY HEAL PAST..
SO I M HERE TO DO IT.....GOD BLESS ME.. FRIENDS BLESSS ME.. READERS IF THERE ARE BLESS ME... PLZZZZ

Pages from lyf. different people different relations but the love remaining same as always and whom i will never forget

MUMMY-the first undoubtedly  goes to my mother.. u dont need any words to show her care for me. i just want to confess here to  mom. that i love you i love you i love you and i know hundred and thousands of time i have hurt u , . sorry mummy for being  so .. i dont think so that i ever made u happy with my behavoiur. sorry  mom plzz.. now when i m far from u i realize this.. missing u so much.. well its really amazing na someone is always there who  loves u doesnt matter whatever u do , wherever u r
...................................................... mon plzz be chill where u are and i m coming soon to hug u ...................

PAPA- well when it comes to papa, i dont think so, that this much of honesty , truthfulness, like him u will find in todays world.. well he always had proud over me. always praising myself wherever he goes. but it was me who at the end moment broke all his xpectations.. its really hard to imagine what he must have felt when he knew i couldnt study in iit. I love u papa.. i dont know how many times i argued with you showing my damn ego in front of.u. i always failed to realize that  that, it  was ur care and love... and then after coming here , i completely shattered his xpectations . but now i m gonna become strong. well papa for iit i had completely devoted for 2 yrs, it was another thing that some other weaknesses of mine destroyed my chance of studying in iit. still u never scolded me and just told me to perform my best wherever i m. and here also failed , infact failed to try.. sorry papa. but now i m gonna do this. i will make u proud. god promise... miss u love u ..................papaaaaaaaa......

DIDI-- well still i cant believe when i  remind that i didnt talk to her for more then 1 year just because of my ego which later on changed to my shyness. well i am  really fortunate to have u diii , frankly speaking due to her only i got serious towards my studies lyf and mah parents. it was she who gave me the chance to make my parents proud atleast for sometime... well i still remember having the long discussions with her. dii u r the best . . well now she is now placed and soon will be leaving the college and so our meeting will become even rarer. i dont know why u always have to be far from those whom u love the most... but all i can say is diii wherever u will be , u will rok and hope u go u to the top. i m sure true heart like u will always be happy . and thats my wish.........hoping best for u always, missing u toooooo much..................take care

MANISH- well manish , whenver i remind his name after being away from my home, it simply makes me cry...well how simple, sweet is my bro , its difficult to say.. well we have done almost everything together..
here also , i think i still failed to find the true brother's place in his lyf.. the reason being me yet again.. always making fun of him(not intentionally though) . sorry bro once again..
the only complaint we had with him , was for his studies. as he still not as serious though 12th boards are round the corner.. anyway i know this time u will do well. and never worry bro coz we r here to help , support u every moment... best of luk...............................

ANURAG BASANT- the 1st time i really had the interaction with basant was in class 8th when he interrupted in between while i and apurv were discusssing string theory... i was telling apurv about the book "a brief history of time" hearing this, he said he already had this book.. and i needed that book desperately... and fir kya tha "rab ne bana di jodi" .IN class 9 section got changed and we got into the same section 9C. and then friendship just got deeper and deeper with time. as basant says, initially he had a lot of competetion with me...but i never felt that, it again was his humility i guess. infact to tell u he is the best person i ever known...apart from being my best friend... WELL ANYONE CAN BE YOUR BEST FREIND BUT IT TAKES THE INCLUSION OF GOD'S HAND TO HAVE THE BEST PERSON  AS YOUR FRIEND. AND THAT I GOT AS ANURAG BASANT..
        Well may be today all are plans for the future had got the 180 degree turn.. may be another 4 yrs we wont be together, but basant you are going to remain same and my bestest friend.. well it really doesnt matter to have a girl friend if u have got basant as with me..( ye jyaada ho gaya)...(foolna mat waise foologe t tumhare health ke liye hi acha hoga..)    then lets seew what god has to offer for our friendship..
well i forgot to describe him,, free, bindaas, as cool from heart u can think of...interest for physics and a pinch of spirituality in him.. i hope i get to learn atleast smthing.... anyway  enough, basant if u r reading  see u have got more lines then paapa and mumma....
wel best of luk basant , crack jee and do  u r best. and i know now after suffering such a setback u have become even a more  mature person and surely will be a gr8 asset fr ur family and society...and for me u were always.....

Time to identify my identity

Well it has really been a quite a bit of time infact about year i have been living multidirectional lyf. And frankly speaking during this period i really  enjoyed as well a learnt a lot of things and gained vast amount of experience. but now after learnig these , now i feel  why not to implement these to some purpose. As i have now started to feel a bit hollowness and sometimes bit boring . The reason being the continuation of multidirectional lyf. As i really feel now that to go for something , to do something.
              So i need to to know what i m gonna do. for the while i m gonna focus on my academics as my first mid test has been a disaster. And really i need to get atleast 8 pointer this time. So ofcourse i need to give some effort this time. Also for the long term gonna learn the art of confindence so that i can do act speak without the influence of others. And can do what i feel on my individual without being influenced by others. And thats it if i learn this nothing gonna stop as i m on high purpose...
for today just this much is enough.

Feeling good.....

   Well i don't know if i have got "jaadu ki jhappi or what" because i am just always happy and cool these days....even if i get some disappointment or something like that it remains just for next 1 min and then it suddenly goes off... well its really ridiculous but giving me the non stop happiness.. Well few months ago i used to have loads of tensions for small small reasons which really used to be a big headache for me..
       but now after not being able to study at IIT ( though i was qualifier 6339) i don't know why i feel even more comfortable , happy , free , confident.. Its really amazing i guess.
              Perhaps i have learnt to manage my ego ( the biggest  evil ) and know that happiness doesnt come from success or reasons but happiness gives rise to reason and success ( wah ye to quotation ban gayi --hai na??)
   May be i am gradually and steadily able to know that yes there is something very deep then this body , something far more important , something  that is really worth divine always telling me that you have got the every right to enjoy every moment , you have everything what it takes to be happy , smiling , laughing alwayss...So why to be upset , sad and etc etc..
                               Before this i often used to be upset or taken aback by my father's scoldings (and mind u my papa really humilates u so harshly during his scoldings)..But now i just let him do  and forget as soon as ends his scoldings..Also it very rarely matters me what others say...i am in my own world...and i am loving it .  i dont know why but i am enjoying.. still a lot to learn and it will take a while before i get perfection in this..
        still sometime i take seriously other's nonsense..  which i know soon will be past........and i just wish this from god..."LET ME CONTINUE THIS"  because i know if i have this attitude and this smiling face always i will be able to do anything and get anything.  And soon i m gonna start my mission...  and still i know it wont change me.. i will be what i am now "ever laughing , smiling , happy  , sometimes sad though( but kabhi kabhi aansooon nikal jaye to uski bhi alag hi baat hai) "
                         So   I   will go on on on on and on forever................................................

And so i lost , defeated but yet succeeded ........

Well it has been 18 years since i came into this world... and the biggest disappointment till date has been underdog performance(low rank )  in JEE 2010. for 1st few weeks after the result i thought its the jee'S or to say my luck's mistake..but after analyzing long i came to this that, i always had Fear of failure , success an everything.. this had a such a negative impact that it destroyed my 2 year long hard work...and many more expectation..
                    FEAR FEAR N FEAR WAS MY last 2 year journey......which soon poisoned  my hard work and finally destroyed it.. I dont know from where this drop of Fear came into mind and soon it was the victim..Till class 10th i never had this fear of failure ever..But then suddenly in class mid of class of 11th Fear came and fu*** me.... Fear soon lessened my confidence and efficiency.. I soon came under the burden of my surrounding's expectations.. I used to think what will happen if i lose , if i get low rank , i am not able to solve all etc etc and etc.........And like this always...i feared to see the solutions.. i also enhanced my silly mistake and carelessness which really played a superb role in helping me to get such a low rank in jee.. I almost did 100 number silly mistake.. and mind u the supreme power was still fear.. and as long as u have fear inside u cant have god there..And so i lost...
                               But mind u i still won and succeeded...because i know why i failed.......i know it was the fear which defeated me.. so here am i to take it as challenge..And surely wherever u are "fear" u r gonna lose soon.... so mind it...i just have to see my goal .. and nothing else and thats it..
                think less and so fear less dude.And u will cherish always............Like i have started now in most of the cases.. But still a lots of improvement  is required...AND I M GONNA DO IT.....

WELL (DISSAPOINTMENT) SHOCK*SHOCK WORKS SAME AS (-VE)*(-VE)=(+VE)

Well on 26th May 2010 , i thought it was all over........My all 2 yrs hard work, passion, all got dissolved in 4 digit number 6339... well it really feels like crying perhaps making me to think "did i really deserve only this much"..
The problem was not with the the 4 digit number which i got in jee but with the false impression somewhere inside me which always  made me  to believe that i was much beyond this...
                            Well  losing is never a problem but to think that even for a second that u can win and still u lose is like preferring the other side of life......i don't know who for last 2 years continuously made me to believe that u r here to win, making all of my parents ,relatives ,teachers,friends to expect that I m gonna reach there....well not even my dreams i thought this.....Well as far as i am concerned i might manage this , but who will tell my parents, who will heal the pain of my mom and dad...my father always had proud on me..who will heal that.. is what not letting me to settle yet.....i love you mumma and papa....i never wanted this to happen.. i did all i could...but sometimes this secondary element comes and destroys all your plan....
                                                      The second one came soon when i got to know that i wont be able give jee again also when i knew my direction is changing....well these shocks are really making me shock proof...hope i cry so much that my tears got dried for always....
Well to be really frank soon after my result i was able to convince myself "ALL IZZZ WELL" and by the time i entered NIT CALICUT i had become again bindaas and am  still a cool dude.. But sometimes of not getting to iits pinches me espacially when i remember that how hard work i had done for last 2 years.. it really pains like anything.. i never expected to get beyond 500 rank .And finally when i ended up getting 6339 broken me..STILL thanx god for making me forget all those things soon..


       But now whenever i become disappointed remembering all those is not because it hurts me but because it clashes my ego..I feel how can I (ASHISH KUMAR PATHAK) who has set his standard so high cant study in the best college of India....which again proves EGO the most dangerous evil....
               So here am i to lessen my ego..fear of failure.... .Well finally i can say that yes getting a double shock made me to learn such two most important things of life..Well when you are able to become aware of this ,it doesn't really matter you fail or succeed because you never fail....Its still early days, and i have to learn a lot ...
                The final aim of every individual is to be happy ,cheerful and always smiling and i think i m tending towards the "big permanent smileeee"