Nostalgia and its repercussions

It can start with old photos , revisiting schools , colleges , old home etc. Strangest things begin to happen when you are submerged into nostalgic feelings. You feel the possibility to touch your past yet it  forever goes tangentially just like the blow of wind  . And if you are unfortunate enough to listen to some soothing or similar kind of music at the same time you will go only deeper into the ocean and yet will remain enough far from reliving those experience. But these nostalgic moments does much more, if for a while we forget our present and allow ourselves to fall freely into this ocean. And then we observe the change we have been , so much things should have been retained with us but they all or few have been lost during the journey from past to present. Rhetoric  it may sound ,nostalgia  reminds us of few things we just need to grab it immediately from the past.   Whether it was to smile for no reasons , care freely laughing like mad , making friends without any boundaries , fearlessness , being oblivion to disrespect and dishonor and above all being happy for no reasons or perhaps microscopic reasons. Each of us have so many things to take back from the few minutes  of nostalgia . (Taking assumption that each has some imperfection)

Longest journey till now

Last time I had a trip to Bangalore for 1 week and I thought I had a journey.  I spent a month in village teaching kids and I thought I had a journey . I spent a fortnight trying to aware the villagers for education and I thought that I had a journey. Well now I have completed my engineering  though in minimum time of  4 years , my mind and memory still looks too small to create a thought out of the vast ocean of experiences in last  4 years. But thanks to god I have this alternative (always trying to respond ) to cry out aloud but the mind always controlled it.

Now keeping the mind aside for sometime , Yes my soul can feel last 4 years , in fact the every pieces of mine has last  4 years  strongly imbibed in it.  Friends who have seen me  4 years before and now , they can tell in one scan I carry all those  4 years without any overflows or ambiguity .  And that’s why I feel achieved more when I represent and live those experiences than a job which I got here.

And equally important had been the acquaintance with so many different kinds of people from all corners of the country. And yes like any one of you initially I made 20 best friends then fought with couple of them and then again made up with them and then again fought them and finally before leaving could filter few friends who can be there for lifetime , some for may be little less and some whom you don’t want to remember ever (but you never know when your soul defeats your mind and you accept every one ).

Whether it was getting too much personal  ( liking sharing room , cloths etc . ) , falling for a girls or many , argument with father ( showing I am growing ) , fear of failure or perhaps a fail in engineering drawing , rejection experience in a campus interview , walking lonely after a fight with friend, sometimes too much thinking about the future , or feeling amused thinking that there can be this kind of a guy as well , insulted by a girl whom I propose , or viral laziness across the whole hostel , nocturnal gossips , sticking all day to laptops  etc . 

Everyone has his/her share of adequate experiences , and mostly chances are it makes us atleast an inch better than we commenced our college. But happiness lies in understanding and letting it know to each of our cells and dna that life will always move on , friends who are best now may become stranger , job which looks dream now may become cause of the worry , or in a more positive way friends who are on lighter side may become closer , less paid job may become heaven . Change will come , everything will change ,places , people , best friends , love , dreams. But one thing I hope is , let  all these  changes be in symphony with the experiences I had  and let alarm bell always keep reminding us that this mistake shouldn’t be repeated. And above all last 4 years will be perhaps by written in the boldest format and yes nostalgia will again make me cry.

truth - as I try to find and then lose it....

I have realized lately , the most difficult task for me to decide is which group I belong. Even a  bigger challenge remains to keep myself unbiased of so many things happening around and to know why I need a group to prove my truth

. The more I think I am unbiased about my choice the more biased views seem to become. I am 22 now and already have seen so many different genres of thoughts and ideology . Recent elections and dramatic rise of AAP has suddenly created new waves of thought. But quicker are the people who already know which poles they belong to. And I am very well part of that magnet and certainly not the one whose thoughts changes but  rather looks for those evidence which only makes my decision to chose a particular pole even stronger without ever trying to look how world looks from the opposite side.

Consequently  we have people who talk to us  good on our face but in their mind they had already assigned us the particular location. The biggest of challenge for our country is not the universal acceptance of secularism but the challenge to know the real truth which already has the previous criteria imbibed in it.  And same is with me. And hence is my challenge to break this cage.

Inspired by Gandhi's talisman of introspection leaves me sometimes in even wider range of doubts.

But atleast one thing is very clear , truth is one of the toughest thing to discover for me. Truth ,  atleast to me ,don’t seem to come spontaneously may be because my subconscious is too much damaged by deliberate biased thoughts of surroundings. Truth still seems a distant destination for me , searching truth may perhaps make me break my own glass keeping pillars of thoughts stacked on each other since last 22 years. Ofcourse some of those pieces of truth might be correct but for a stack to function they have to be aligned correctly.

Which again leads me to believe even more strongly in god because he is the only bridge between me and truth . And somewhere I have read hope never lets you down . And I will keep questioning my truth and at the same time my partial biased flickering mind will keep saying wrong words. But I assure you they will be more refined then yesterday.

hope to me

Hope to me is , dry lake  waiting for the rain , 

snowy mountain waiting summer to arrive

Flowers waiting for the sun to spread its petals

Love waiting for the words , words waiting to be said

Child in the fetus waiting to come into the world

child hoping to become a man 

Gandhi how and why always keeps me inspiring..................

The larger part of my life has been more  influenced by physicist , bollywood stars , cricket stars . Post then has been more about the domination of inspiration over influence. After the suggestion from by closest friend I started going through "My experiment with truth" in my second year of graduation.  For the first few month I managed to complete just 60 pages of ebook.  But the honesty so plainly expressed  had already  struck the first cord. Then a little bit of google about Gandhi , his famous and unfamous writings were absorbing me almost homogenously . But lately I found many were not of the same view as of mine , so I left discussing about him. I thought may be I don’t know the history much so better is to be quiet .

Then after a break of a year , finally  got the hard copy of  "My experiment with truth". Since then I have been stormed by numerous radical transformation in my thoughts .Whether its my growing ability to restrain myself from nonsense criticizing of others , ability to accept the mistakes , ability to take the pride with humility in noble deeds , ability to introspect, strong believer of piece and above all ability to give. And few pending things which I might take a little longer is to love selflessly , sacrifice for the cause ,truth and humanity are all dedicated to Mahatma . With his plethora of inspirational quotes  ,he keeps inspiring  me thousand times  .

  Whether his sacrificing nature or ability to accept his greatest or guilt shame or practicing his verse with such consistency or the concept of non-violence , satyagrah , non-cooperation movement or  his principles of swaraj  . He has been like a trendsetter  of peace and humanity.

A  thin common man always motivating with his relentless long walks , stick and a gita in his hands and a always glued smile , experimenting world's most uncommon noble deeds. When world was busy making atomic bombs , he kept teaching thousands of his countrymen about non-violence ,, he taught us to discard english clothes , he made us to make salt for our own , he fought for thousands in foreign land of south africa  and  yet our  generation keep criticizing him for INDIA-PAKISTAN  many more which I don’t even know.But for  me and many others he kept inspiring us .

I feel saddened to see today people especially Indians criticize  Gandhi but praise Martin luther King who himself  was ardent Gandhi follower. We keep comparing between bhagat singh and gandhi ,  patel and gandhi etc. We are dividing our own country , we are cutting our own souls. Instead of uniting two good souls we continuously try to prove superiority of one over others. Being from educated class of India our thoughts should not be drifted along with the wind rather lets have our own unbiased ,researched notions atleast for these great people.

On his 144th birth anniversary I dedicate this to Mahatma Gandhi , hopefully someday some of us learn  from some of his reminiscences and above all take pride in saying yes Gandhi is the father of nation. Because if we know him , if we study him not through the spectacles of others , we will know that Gandhi was a magnificent phenomena , who processed every second , who transformed every minute for the better. A few shortcoming everyone has and he also had but he himself said "

Freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes.".Lets remember the mahatma on his "birth anniversary and world non-violence day" for the truth he stood for , for sacrifice he made , for the pains he underwent for his countrymen .

Like the rain stopped raining

Like the wind stopped blowing

Like the rain stopped raining

Like the birds stopped flying

Like the stars restrained from  shining

The way  you stopped calling

The way you stopped noticing

The way you stopped loving

The way you started forgetting

The way you started departing

Like the trees shedding its leaves 

Like the land started drying

Like the stranger stopped gazing at stars

Like sky started becoming uglier

Like the wings started falling

The way loneliness started captivating me

The way sleepless night became the most frequent encounter

The way I started drowning  more and more in your memories

The way oblivion became more and more familiar

My experience with WORK

The last one month had been mostly engaged directly and at times indirectly to my maiden teaching experience to tribal and village children. and what had been the most astounding outcome of this experience is what I have referred in the heading.
In last 5 years since I have gained some sort of seriousness towards studies , career infact to myself the word "work " had become important for me. Of course most significant being during my preparation times for engineering entrance and few others being  in college scattered in 4th and 6th semester . Sometimes I would be appreciated  for my work or achievement  making  the greed for these praises to be inflated and gradually fuel for my work would shift from the purpose to these appreciation .Which I realized only lately, actually ended up diluting the honesty from my work and so the outcome .
And it is here where my teaching experience in village seem to be contradicting my previous concepts about     work. Thanks to  Anand bhaiya who coordinates "seva samarpan sansthan in UP" who gave me opportunity to meet many wonderful and socially active people. It is here I started getting a lot of appreciation and praises for my work ,  which  I  dont remember when I got this much last time!. And soon i realized that I was actually the buffalo who was being stimulated by the bell but I strictly following old hindi proverb (bhains ke aage been bajaane se kya fayda).

Yes , first time I realized these appreciations were not at all sticking to my identity  perhaps making me feel unworthy of it. First time I realized I was actually drowned fully in my work and nothing else mattered. First time my sense started to rewind those "GITA's verse saying work is the sole purpose of human being".Perhaps teaching those kids out there was very close to my heart or whatever  I know now finally what does it mean to work and yet be able to abstain myself from its result and appreciations because the moment these results and greed for appreciations creep into my work I find work to be slowly diluting and disintegrating and what remains is just me fighting for my own  identity and not for the purpose or cause above all the "WORK".

my hope.....

dreams in eyes grew bigger
eyes started shining brighter

darkness had to take a hide
wings spread apart to take me for a higher ride

finally I was flying in the sky
even the thousand failure began to feel  shy

just when i was ready to get into the rocket
suddenly my searching hands found a long written pages in my pocket

which said
" no matter how many times you have to try
no matter however many  dont care to look into your story before judging you


but to myself i remain a simple lad trying to improve his shortcomings
sometimes missed and sometimes it works for the better
 i still have that one or two friend who knows me for my journey and not for my destination
i still have not lost the faith in "hope " which is indeed the best thing i have known lately."

and finally crowds had to give a standing avation
for my story reaches the last word of its narration.

and yes its all what my small eyes can envision and still dreams
but one thing which i already have attained is
i am currently in relationship with "hope"
 

and i am walking again

Dreams taking a hide in dark shelter

Work enjoying a few extra hours of sleep

Courage still waiting to reload itself

Patience has yet to prove

Well they all seem to be infected by one virus

More communicable then any endemic

More fatal then any disease

Swung my head , few extra deep breath

And the lines I had conceived last month

"in most cases it’s the laziness stopping us do the most marvelous work which we confuse with the risks"

Suddenly after hiccups and belching  came out

Yes I was("only was") also  infected by laziness. 

yes i am walking again.

questioning mind

influenced so much by the relativity ,mind always try to justify every situation and sometimes with very strange logics. even the acts of kindness which seems to instil me with bliss is questioned by mind perhaps sometimes with weirdest of the queries. like  is it really needed to uplift the life of poors  , arent they  used to their living for so many years , do the underprivileged(according to our definitions) really need to be like ours , will I really wish to do for them or is it for myself.

Empathy is nice but there are more then the half whose life is run by violence , epitome of egoism , arrogance irrational thoughts infact they are far more then the "defined goods" around me. And I have found out it’s the case again with more then the half who give some amount of time on analyzing these things.

And still these type of people are able to complete their average life span.wise people say they are ignorant and their soul is always sad and tensed but they claim to be confident and cool.

I know these questions are very strange but I am beginning to realize what I really want to do with my life and all these questions play a role , I don’t think I will be able to go forward without answering these. Though each day a lot of doubt is being cleared else if I had written it down a year ago even 10 pages wont be enough.
 I am beginning to find what I really love to do and I am beginning to find I want to live with love though I have experience hatred as well but I feel I am not made for it for I am not able to keep myself under hatred feeling .even the biggest of shock seem far momentary in front of my happiness period. Still I want to be doubt free before I put forward my next step or perhaps the next step will itself delete these queries or answer them. 

a thought

I just happened to question my feeling good emotions  and suddenly lessons of introspection peeps into my mind and I questioned my mind hey dude! Why are you so happy. And with possible recollection of my most recent memories I remind myself  neither I got 8.47 sgpa , nor was presented by mr president nor was gifted a new bike nor a kiss from my girlfriend ,  neither I have contributed  in anyway to remove corruption , poverty from society nor came out of a 1hr deep meditation. Perhaps I am simply blank with  no reasons and yet happy , feeling so much of love within .

And then I thought now time has come to reason out the difference between present state and when I am in some other state. Now I need to drive my subconscious with my consciousness . I have to think , I have to tell my mind if I  need no reasons to feel the bliss then why not continue being reasonless atleast try it consciously .

 Seriously and I am sure many of would have sometime felt like this and may be not because you forgot to take notice of it. Lets strengthen our consciousness to recognize when we are in positive state , reason it out , continue with it. Because this state of bliss is motivating me to accomplish all those reasons to amplify the present state. The reason to get 8.47sgpa , a kiss from her , make a ngo , contribute to society development , indulge myself in deeper  meditation , and let love which I am feeling within to wander outside and share with the world. And when it happens it’s the simplest logic ever and when don’t it remains a mystery forever.

a sight

 long grass with converging tip giving some

Space to brownish mud peeping here and there

Just when my sight could reach reddening sky

The field had already affirmed my beliefs

The bigger we become to the outside world

Narrower we become within ourselves

Our thoughts instead of accepting more diversity

Starts converging to our false pride

And the gleam in the eyes of the pride

Perhaps makes everything else secondary

But still often the filthy brownish mud

Tries to clean our vision but only to get  rejected.

To get rid of crime(rape)--What a common man can do

I was just wondering if the increasing strength of our defense system has really helped in controlling the number of deaths and various destructions and wars. I am ofcourse far from the actual facts and figures.

And so the 80000 police force in nation capital . They might be doing their work and might have solved several cases and might even have saved few crimes from happening. But still murders, robbery , rapes , gang rapes happen provoking the common people  to react , shout at the system .

                            But they forgot that loss has already happened . And in days to come they themselves will return to normal life till the next crime(for it to come under highlight , this one really has to be a lot severe and must happen with urban man or woman) happens. And in this I have more then 100% faith. For rapes , killing has been happening for more then a century . And also the frequency of those crime has only been increasing irrespective of government in charge , number of police force and our defense system .

                                 And the fact remains that we can never really eliminate from our society. What we can wish for is the decreased frequency of crime. And for this we have to start from the ourselves  We can learn from those nations which has decent history considering crime.

                 And regarding rape it starts from individual , from individual's mind. I am stil sure the rape case recently occurring in delhi surely would not be conscious  pre-planned. But their (rapists) subconscious must have informations enough to validate this crime. And this subconscious is what which stores our history. The family , the friends circle , the way we have been brought up. And hence the care should be taken there. How often we ourselves would have teased or atleast felt tempted to do so to girls in public place . The reason being we (most of us )live in society   where girls remain  alien to us or e never been told to see girl for then just a mere body.

From our very own family sons are always given a lot more attention then girl child. Increasing cases of foeticides itself reveals that girl child our always looked with shameful eyes. And when the same girl grows up and is raped, same mother cries because she is not able show his face to society. her father would perhaps never talk to her. Society will never accept her. Instead of empathy they can show all they care is to protect self made brittle pseudo respect in the society.

                  and I think the very basic architecture of this has to be changed. Lets start from the equality. We condemn Wests for its multiple affairs , divorce and at them same time happily accept the rape cases here . We reserve special seats for ladies in bus , train , colleges. Our very basic government structure and as well as family structure encourages these crime by representing girl ha a weak symbol. And when rape happens we grimace our face in such a way as if something so miraculously bad has happened. 

    Lets start with primary education. Lets the coming generation know that girl is no less then a boy. Let them see  the beauty of simultaneous  prospering of both the gender in even climate and respect each other. Lets give space for love , shifting our anger , pride , self. And it will take time but result will be what we all want.                              

just few.....

       few stones waiting to be hurled down to other side of lake
       few drops waiting to be dropped down
      few words waiting to be slipped of my tongue
      few thoughts waiting to escape my mind
     few ideas waiting to  fly in the sky
     few emotions waiting to be exploded, expressed ,said and rejoiced


   

Rabbits and We.............

walking down the long quite pavement
redness across the sky possibly started to bid farewell to sun
with no watch tied across the wrist
perhaps this was the best time to guess the known


taking a few steps further on the grass, those two
rabbits struck right at the centre of my pupil perhaps look
 like carrying inherent traits from white angels from my dreams
but something else  something more then colour was there

jumping and hurling tiny splashes of water on each other
sounding as if dog is singing without those two front teeth
which was soon to become a song singing for funeral
when a arrow waiting to be pulled down for long

struck right into beautiful eyes
and the other had one no choice other then to escape
i zoomed my camera to find its heart beating increased manifolds
but still hours later it came , only to  find his friend resting in peace

to us , its expression were still unread , ununderstood
and hence we named them feeling less
just because our emotion didnt resonate with theirs
we kill them , we eat them , we rape , we steal , we hate , we discriminate


                           being symmetric was always the nature's preference
                           and now we try to see it with fogged specs
                           the screen is now filled with only me
                           with hardly any space for love , bliss , respect.

And I missed to give a call

Kept beside the  window was a filthy and dusted diary

storm had the pages waving

But  with the advent of heavy rain

Wind had to quickly take a reside in some new place

Till then the waving pages had taken a pause

But wind had already marked its second influence

The complete 2nd paragraph on that page

Was embellish by the fallen water paint

And finally what looked to be planned afterwards happened

My pair of eyes flew to those multicolored  lines

Only to find vary familiar handwriting

Written in bold red  "call 9787336583" dated "12\12\2009"

If I could remember it was the last day of school

If I could remember it was given to me by that someone

Whom I had been looking into , for atleast 5 years

Guess what IIT always works as climax in everyone's story

Physics , chemistry , math books were  piled up next  , diary at the bottom

Could never open  the diary and never add a word more

Until the storm came until the rain came until the water paint fell on it

 until it became dusted until it became filthy  until now

And I missed to give a call on that and in

A month I found I missed the IIT too (though approximately )

And now I wonder how did she reach to my diary

When  I had only asked for filling the slam book

And now I realize what I had missed what could already have been mine

years old dream suddenly blommed from grave
only to realize grave is still a better place
and left me with a fanitest echo of extremist optimism
"Thank god water paint didnt fell on the next few lines
"Thank god I didn’t go throw the next few lines "
What If it had ".............….. you"

She....still happens....

       

       she danced , she sang and she was loved
       she blossomed , she shone like a pearl
       just when she thought
       to take the control of her decison
       she knew all her past had been planned
       only to let herself  become a better bride

      but after the "better" everything became like dust of eyes
      she was now far from her past
      sitting once in the balcony she thought
      only to discover the futility of her passions
      dreams were when condensed to pain
      was still alien to her
     
      she became a mother
      she thought to rediscover her dream
      in the eyes of her daughter
      she worked , she sweat , she endured
      hoping her god has got some godliness left
     
      years later she had the 2nd discovery of her life
      she had been only the housekeeper
      stubbornness of mind  again had the victory over innocence of heart
      she cried she begged she prayed
      only to find the futility of her love and motherhood
   
      her daughter taking the legacy
      only to complete the another circle
      and she in the heaven
      only if some godliness is left in him.

If only you forgive me...........

when mind is fogged by the selfishness
when other's emotions remains their only
when pride of mind kills the child inside
when self obsession disconnects the self from reality

i seek exemption from the past sin
i have come to know if sacred Ganges water still exists to unload all my devil
i pledge before you to forgive the ignorance
i promise to redeem the inside with innocence

if only you forgive me
if only you accept me as a new person
who will try to become a better man every hour every second every moment
and yet veiled by the same body and face
if only you guide me

a sleep in the evening

   just a little drowsiness after the evening sleep
   just a little ache in the head
   just short of the critical  momentum needed to get out of the bed
  just a little slow in mobilizing fingers on the keyboard
                    
   then i know that i am lacking energy
  inspiration has been veiled by the fogs
  love is also residing somewhere far in the unknown cottage
  people close have been far for a while

  but then as learnt
 i put the switch in "on" mode
 because i just had 2 choice
on or off , i went for "on" first deliberately and then it became natural

then suddenly still writing
backgrounds began to take a shift
drowsiness encouraged me to get energised to defeat it
ache in the head became like battling at the border inspite of pain

i began stretching my thoughts through the fogs to grab the inspiration
and suddenly Helen Keller's  quote struck
 "Your success and happiness lies in you. Resolve to keep happy, and your joy and you shall form an invincible host against difficulties."

 memories of great times with friends , family and few others sprouted the buried love
i gave the another call to the people close
and he said he had been waiting as  his balance was over
and now  i have to go for the  evening walk with him.
  

You have............a

you have a bird resting within you
dont let its wings rest forever

you have a child inside
dont let his smile become extinct

you have a rage inside
dont let its voice increase entropy inside

you have a enemy inside
let him be buried within yourself



you have a soul , talent , love inside
dont miss to unveil this discovery within you

you a life inside you
dont let its presence ever be underdone ...